The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The Daily PrincetOnion obtained an internal memo on how the University is planning to spend its new $11 billion, now that the endowment has grown nearly 50 percent in the past year. Here are the University’s top contenders:
- Give every student a pair of Heelys®. The best way to spend Princeton’s money is on its own students. By subsidizing the purchase of a pair of Heelys® for each student, the University can help students relive their 2008 glory days while getting to class on time. If there is a limited supply, preference will be given to engineers and Forbesians.
- Knock down a building and rebuild it just for fun. Project currently in progress. Construction is expected to finish by 2022. Or maybe 2023. 2024 at the latest. Unless it takes until 2025.
- One Taco From Taco Bell for Everyone on Earth. A $1.99 Nacho Cheese Doritos® Locos Taco for everyone on the globe may be the key to solving world hunger for at least a couple of hours. Princeton is a large proponent of civic engagement, after all. If our students don’t learn the value of leadership on the world stage now, when will they learn?
- Sponsor Jeff Bezos’s Next Space Trip. Princeton should give back to its generous alumni donors. Billionaires support billionaires.
- Fossils to Fuels Project. The High Meadows Environmental Institute contains plenty of fossils. If we bury them and wait, Princeton can renew the nonrenewable energy business a few million years down the line.
- Extend all stairs by one meter. Princeton students walk too fast. In 2017, the University introduced unnaturally long, hobble-inducing stairs in front of the Lewis Arts complex as the first phase of a plan to slow students down. Two little steps or one big step? Thinking about these things takes time. Now that Princeton has the funds, all stairs should be as long — if not longer — than the LCA.
- Buy out Iceland. Princeton’s endowment is greater than the GDPs of nearly half of the countries in the world. After about 20 minutes of due diligence, Iceland emerged as Princeton’s ideal target. With Iceland’s countless waterfalls at their disposal, Princeton Rowing could amp up their practices.
Anlon Zhu is a first-year from Irvine, Calif. and contributing writer for the Satire section. He can be reached at email@example.com.