The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
On Sept. 29, in a lengthy and vague email to the campus community somewhere in your inbox, President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 announced that Residential Colleges 7 and 8 had finally gone to the highest bidders, but with the understanding that our potentially unenlightened time may have tainted the decision.
“Times are changing pretty fast and stuff, so the board thought it best to give the next generation of Princetonians, 50 years from now, some opportunity to revisit and clean up the University’s legacy a little bit. Just in case,” Eisgruber wrote.
“Perhaps nothing, even names upon stone, should last forever, and certainly not bidding wars that determine how we spend hundreds of thousands of dollars,” he continued. “We think that this is the best decision for our community and will make our lives much easier.”
Jill Dolan, dean of the college, praised Eisgruber’s approach as “innovative” and “forward-thinking.”
“I think this has finally given our University the chance to lead on an issue,” she said.
“Students should recognize that naming buildings morally is hard, and we are all just trying to do our best in the context of our ignorant culture,” Dolan said.
With the new residential colleges opening next school year, the naming committee was under time pressure to come up with something quick.
“Living with a ‘Seventh’ and ‘Eighth’ College is the last thing we want,” Dolan said. “How are you supposed to chant that at Clash of the Colleges?”
The Bezos and Cruz residential colleges will open to students in the fall of 2023.
Andrew Johnson is a sophomore contributing writer for Satire and The Prospect from Ridgewood, New Jersey currently studying “Undecided.” He can be reached at andrewjj@princeton.edu.
Read More
‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop
Sawyer DilksUpon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions
Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
Why didn’t the Easter Bunny visit me this year?
Sawyer DilksAs I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation — there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.
As I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation — there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.
