Sexpert: March 1, 2012

Dear Sexpert,

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about seven months now, and, for a while, everything was great. Recently though, he just seems different: quiet, sluggish and completely uninterested in sex. Why doesn’t he want to be physical with me?

— Suffering in Spelman

Dear Suffering,

I am very sorry to hear about your relationship troubles. Since I don’t know him or you and don’t know more about your situation, I can only speculate about why your boyfriend’s behavior might have changed. For those reasons, please take everything I say with a grain of salt. There can be many reasons for someone to become quiet, sluggish and uninterested in sex. They range from having a moody moment to losing interest in the relationship to suffering from a medical condition or dealing with depression. The best way to figure out what is going on is to find a way to have an open conversation and to not make assumptions. Here are some possibilities:

You write that you have been together for seven months, and it’s possible that there are some elements of his personality that you aren’t familiar with yet. Maybe he gets moody occasionally, and it has nothing to do with you. Some of the behaviors you are describing, like sluggishness and loss of libido, are also common symptoms of depression. Someone who experiences depression and is in a relationship has to make the tough decision of when to tell his or her significant other about the condition. I am not proposing that this is the circumstance with your boyfriend, but it wouldn’t be unusual. Talk to him gently and without pretext. Tell him you’ve noticed a change in his personality and that you are concerned. Hopefully, you will be able to have a productive conversation. If he has no idea why he is feeling this way, it might be important to see one of the physicians at UHS to see if there is a possible thyroid problem or something else.

There is a different factor that could account for his demeanor — that he has lost interest in being a couple. His physical and emotional distance could indicate that for him your relationship has run its course. If this is the case, he owes you a direct and forthright conversation rather than letting you sit and worry about what’s going on. Once again, my prescription is that you talk to him. Though ideally he would broach the subject if he were the one who was no longer interested in being in a relationship, breakups don’t always work that way. He might be nervous about confronting you, but that timidity is just prolonging the hurt. Talk to him, and give him the opportunity to tell you the truth.

No matter what the case is, know that there are great resources available at University Health Services, including Counseling and Psychological Services in McCosh Health Center. The professionals at CPS offer counseling by appointment for individuals and for couples. If you or your boyfriend are feeling anxious, upset or depressed for any reason, don’t hesitate to visit them. Next week is USG’s official Mental Health Awareness Week with tons of events and panels, including a “Test Your Mood” session in Frist. Consider dropping by if you are interested in getting more information about depression.

— The Sexpert

The Sexpert is written by a team of peer sexual health educators and fact-checked by University health professionals. You can submit questions to sexpert@dailyprincetonian.com. Don’t be shy!