Letter to the Princeton student body

By Michael Yaroshefky

Princetonians,

I am writing this guest column in the Opinion section of The Daily Princetonian (my usual media mouthpiece of choice, although the Press Club is excellent for the odd pamphlet) to inform you of a change in our normal Undergraduate Student Government proceedings. I know that all of you followed our recent USG presidential elections with the utmost interest and attention, and I want to thank you for taking the time to vote for Catherine Ettman, Bruce Easop or Shikha Uberoi. However, none of them is going to serve as your USG president for the upcoming term. I will.

Don’t panic, Princetonians! This is not because your fearless leader needs to repeat a year (chortle, chortle). Drawing upon my experiences serving you as IT Chair in my sophomore year — right before the coup, for those of you among the older generations who are familiar with my humble beginnings — I have invented a top-secret computer program that will allow me to run the USG for a third term and to control its proceedings from a remote location. I will be able to fulfill all of the requirements set out in Article V, Section A of the USG Constitution and will discharge my responsibilities with the utmost seriousness.

Now, Princetonians, I must emphasize: This is not a takeover. Repeat: This is not a takeover. Your USG remains as strong, united and mature as it ever was. But it is my firm belief that Ettman, Easop and Uberoi would not have been able to serve you as well as I can. After all, our recent election showed that each of them was actually fighting hard for the position — something we haven’t seen too often in the last few years. With that in mind, I will be replacing myself with the only student who has the drive, courage, ambition, passion and strength to lead you. Me. Ha, ha!

My platform for the next year will, as ever, aim only to serve. I will institute several major reforms, such as extending Firestone’s hours by 18 minutes, and a few more minor ones, such as asking Dean Malkiel to take President Tilghman’s place (she’s wasted in her current position. The bureaucracy prevents her from implementing her new campaign: C’s are the new A’s). I will with all of the members of the USG to make this our best year yet (Li and I are besties now, we’ve put the past behind us) — unless, of course I decide to take on the burden of a fourth term. Ha, ha! No, but seriously.

We’ll be instituting this change very officially; don’t worry. There will be a new election with only my name on the ballot. I’m going to be hiring 16 extra USG elections managers who will be in charge of the process.

Now, on to more important things. We’re proud to be showing “The Great Dictator” on Friday and Saturday at 11:30 p.m. Simply submit your USG ballot showing that you voted for me and receive free popcorn and soda.