Sexpert: Sept. 29, 2011

Dear Sexpert,

I’m a female student who identifies as bisexual, and I think of myself as pretty progressive and open to new things. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly a year now, and we’ve always been super-compatible sexually. Last week though, while hanging out with a mutual female friend, we somehow ended up on the subject of threesomes. Our mutual friend expressed interest in joining us some time, and now my boyfriend is pushing the subject. I don’t think I’m emotionally prepared for something like this, and frankly, I don’t think he is either. How do I tell him I’m not down with a trinity?

—Mortified by the Menage

Dear Mortified,

Plenty of liberal bleeding-hearts stick with the missionary position when they’re having sex; plenty of Reaganite hawks are into toys and riding crops. There is no reason to think that your politics, even your sexual politics, must dictate how you behave in the bedroom. You may be open to new things, but bringing a third person into your romantic life is a particularly tricky maneuver. This is true for many couples. Of course, there are plenty of people who enjoy having threesomes, but the fact remains that introducing another body into your romantic solar system is often disruptive. For some people, laying ground rules about who may do what and with whom works great. For others, even these kinds of restrictions are unnecessary. Regardless of the method, couples who are able to successfully integrate another person into their love lives are, as you say, emotionally prepared.

It sounds like you have thought hard about this and have the courage of your convictions. Now you need to tell your boyfriend everything you’ve told me. There is no reason to feel obligated to engage in a threesome, especially not if you anticipate issues of jealousy or distrust in a relationship in which you have dedicated serious time and effort. Hopefully your boyfriend will understand your disinclination. He may even be totally unaware of how much anxiety his comments have been causing you. If he is not sympathetic, or if you find the conversation going places you don’t like, be aware that there are a number of resources on campus for people with relationship difficulties. Counseling and Psychological Services, which is headquartered on the third floor of McCosh Health Center, offers counseling for individuals as well as couples. You could also contact the Sexual Harassment/Assault Advising, Resources, and Education office, in room 217 of McCosh Health Center. The SHARE advisors do excellent work and have a great deal of experience discussing physical and emotional abuse in relationships. — The Sexpert

The Sexpert is written by a team of peer sexual health educators and fact-checked by University health professionals. You can submit questions to sexpert@dailyprincetonian.com. Don’t be shy!