The dude who is in love with Keira Knightley: Indiana Pacers, Atlanta Hawks
These teams are trying to win. You might even feel sympathy for them as Danny Granger places his boom box on the ground and pretends to sing Christmas songs or Al Horford films a wedding video. But they are going to get destroyed in the playoffs, because the Pacers wouldn’t even be a top-12 team in the West, and the Hawks don’t seem to remember how to play basketball. The idea, fellows, is to get the ball in the other team’s basket more than they get it in yours. These teams will be swiftly eliminated.
Sarah and Karl: New Orleans Hornets, Portland Trail Blazers
Just like Sarah can’t have the romance she wants with Karl because of her unstable brother, so too will the Hornets fail because of David West’s injury and Chris Paul’s inability (brilliant though he is) to carry a mediocre team by himself on one-and-a-half knees. The Blazers have been consistently impressive with their perseverance through consistent injury woes, but they just don’t have the manpower to match up with the top title-contenders. That said, they could beat the Mavericks if they play them in the first round. Sarah and Karl at least got that one time together.
The part where Billy Bob Thornton is a huge creeper: New York Knicks, Orlando Magic
President Billy Bob Thornton learned that just because you’re the most powerful man in the world doesn’t mean you can put the moves on the prime minister’s lady. Likewise, the Knicks will find out that it’s hard to win playoff games with two superstars, no consistent defense and a whole lot of real big goobers. There is a legitimate debate about whether the Knicks will start Shelden Williams or Shawne Williams at center in their first playoff game, which would be fine if either of the ShWilliamses were actually a true center or actually good. The Magic have managed to be a high-level defensive team with only one good defensive player, which is a pretty amazing testament to Dwight Howard. But that won’t fly in the playoffs, as I suspect Derrick Rose will torch them in the second round.
Colin Frissell, god of sex: Denver Nuggets, Memphis Grizzlies, Philadelphia 76ers, Oklahoma City Thunder
My favorite group, these teams are the ones who have an unrealistic amount of confidence; you never know, it just might work out for them. None of them “should” advance more than a round in the playoffs, and the Thunder and Nuggets may well end up playing each other. But all of these teams have peaked at the right time, and they all play with an exciting swagger that makes each of them a dangerous first round draw. If only the Bucks were in this group so I could make a reference to Wisconsin. By the way, Colin’s four female companions are Kevin Durant, Ty Lawson, Andre Iguodala and Tony Allen, although I suspect he wouldn’t have been quite as excited by that.
Let’s get pissed and watch porn: San Antonio Spurs, Boston Celtics, Dallas Mavericks
Like Billy Mack, these teams are old and occasionally look broken down, but you never want to count them out. The Celtics silenced doubters by making the finals last year after closing the season 27-27, and any team with Tim Duncan and Gregg Popovich is a playoff force to be reckoned with. The Mavericks suck these days, though. Maybe they’re the part where Billy Mack goes off the rails on the radio show and his poor manager hangs his head. I don’t think any of these teams will make the Finals, but the Celtics and Spurs have two of the highest ceilings in the league when everyone is healthy.
I HATE UNCLE JAMIE!: Chicago Bulls
Because I couldn’t fit my favorite line from the movie into this (it’s what the manager says after Billy Mack says he had an epiphany about Christmas), I really wanted to use my second favorite, which takes a stab at describing the Bulls. The team found its identity this season after a revelation upon arrival at a Christmas party, got its star player to buy into a new coach and a new level of defensive focus and learned Portuguese so it could propose to its lover in a restaurant. The Bulls’ playoff inexperience is a worry, however, as is their reliance on a fantastic defensive second unit that won’t see as many backups in the playoffs.
The part where Alan Rickman is a huge creeper and Emma Thompson opens the Joni Mitchell CD and has to pretend to be happy about it and then she starts crying while that song about looking at love from both sides plays: Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat
I cringe every time I watch Alan Rickman interact with his secretary and his wife. My heart races as Rowan Atkinson takes forever to wrap the necklace. And when Emma Thompson opens the package, I hope against hope that Alan Rickman came to his senses and gave the necklace to her instead. Then my optimistic dreams are crushed, and I have to deal with the fact that cruel truth has triumphed again. Speaking of cruel truths, the Lakers can and will turn it on for the playoffs, and Kobe Bryant is extremely difficult to beat in a seven-game series. LeBron James and Dwyane Wade are two of the three or four most talented basketball players in the world and are completely unstoppable in transition as well as lethal on the pick-and-rolls they are starting to develop with each other. I just don’t think either of those facts can be overcome.
In closing, I think the Los Angeles Lakers will beat the Miami Heat in six games to win the NBA Finals, I think I’m going to hate it, and, as a man, I am completely unembarrassed about this column.
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