The lowdown on Oscars fashion

Sure, I like movies. After all, I did see “The King’s Speech.” But as much as I wanted to see Colin Firth win at the Academy Awards last Sunday (you my boy, C-Firth!), I didn't tune in to the event for his celebratory acceptance speech. The truth is, I watched for the fashion.

I grew up watching Joan Rivers make snarky comments on celebrities’ fashion choices at the Oscar preshow. The hour of broadcast before the ceremony starts has become my favorite part. So gear up, because you lucky readers get to hear what I have to say about this year’s Oscar fashion!

First of all, I have three words to say to the wives of famous male celebrities: Get a stylist. Let me refine that: Get a good stylist. Some of my least favorite outfits at this year’s Oscars were sported by the non-famous females with big-shot husbands. I’m talking to you, Mark Ruffalo’s wife, Sunrise Coigney! Her dress had potential, but then someone decided to hang a random, floor-length panel of fabric from the shoulder — or armpit. I’m all for personal style, but a sharp bob haircut plus bright red lips plus exaggerated shoulder pads equals downright scary.

Colin Firth’s wife, Livia Giuggioli, was another lady who failed on the fashion front. We have already established that I love Mr. Firth, but I promise I’m not saying that his wife looked bad because I’m jealous of her or anything. In all seriousness, her dress would have improved tenfold without that huge, pink, tulle bustle on the back. Bustles in general are questionable. Why hide your backside under an enormous amount of extra fabric? Next time show off what your momma gave you, Mrs. Firth.

Now, on to some of the evening’s fashion hits. I have a surprising announcement: Mandy Moore had my favorite Oscar look. Yes, that former pop star who sang that terrible song called “Candy” — remember her? She was the picture of elegance on Sunday night in a Monique Lhuillier sequined gown. In fact, she looked almost like a goddess in the nude-colored dress that blended into her skin. (Don’t try this at home, kids. It is very hard to pull off a dress that matches your skin tone so closely. But Moore managed to get away with it fabulously.) I commend her for choosing a dress that is simple, yet interesting and modern. Those stars who try to make too much of a statement often fall flat and end up on post-Oscars “Worst Dressed” lists.

Another one of my favorite looks was Sandra Bullock in a red-hot Vera Wang stunner. But really, we must talk about Gwyneth Paltrow. Paltrow, always at the fashion forefront, hit the red carpet in a sleek silver Calvin Klein gown. Many stars — including Scarlett Johansson, Amy Adams, Michelle Williams, Penelope Cruz and Celine Dion — wore straight-skirted dresses similar to Paltrow's. I’m not sure how I feel about the “column dress” look; in my opinion, it can verge on too casual for the Oscars. With that said, the silver shimmer of Paltrow's dress made it suitable for the glitzy event while giving her a modern and put-together look. Her outfit was strong proof that you don’t need a big ball gown, or miles of cleavage, to rock the red carpet. You go, Gwyneth!

Though the women are usually the focus of Oscar fashion debates, it is important to look at the men too. You might think that all male celebrities have to do is put on a tuxedo and show up to the Kodak Theatre. They’ve got it easy, right? But sometimes they forget the little things — such as, say, shaving. The only man who did not pass my fashion test was Darren Aronofsky, the director of “Black Swan.” I’m sorry, Mr. Aronofsky, but that mustache has no place at the Oscars.