Sexpert: March 3, 2011

Dear Sexpert,

I’ve been feeling blue for the past few months. It’s affecting my work and now it’s affecting my relationships. My girlfriend wants to have sex, and I either don’t want to or have trouble getting it up. What should I do?

— Sad

Dear Sad,

Winter can be a tough time: It’s cold, it’s dark, it’s full of responsibilities both academic and personal. In other words, there are a lot of reasons why many people feel unhappy during these months. You might have heard of Seasonal Affective Disorder, a condition associated with wintertime depression, which always seems to get a media bump when the days start getting short.

If you are depressed, due to SAD or other factors, I am by no means qualified to diagnose you. What I can say is that you should consider making an appointment with Counseling and Psychological Services at McCosh Health Center. CPS is one of the best resources on campus and offers counseling services to all students for free. If you aren’t feeling well, I strongly recommend calling (609) 258-3285 to schedule an appointment. You might also consider talking to one of the Healthy Minds Peer Advisors, who do great work with education and advocacy on campus and just this week sponsored a depression screening event. If you want to learn more about Healthy Minds, information is available on their website.

As I’ve said, dispensing specific medical advice is well beyond the abilities of this columnist. However, your letter touches on some very important points about the intersection between mental and sexual health. Being depressed can have a very significant effect on your sex life for several reasons: Not only might you simply be less interested in having sex because you feel upset or fatigued, but the stress and anxiety that often accompany depression can sometimes contribute to erectile dysfunction, as you mention. Loss of interest and enthusiasm about sex can put strain on relationships, and strained relationships can exacerbate the pain of depression. I know the phrase “vicious cycle” gets used often, but this is exactly the kind of situation it refers to.

If you feel comfortable, I think it would make a lot of sense to talk to your girlfriend. The people to whom we feel close are our first line of defense for emotional pain, and it sounds like staying silent will only make things more complicated with your girlfriend. If she doesn’t know how you have been feeling, she can’t possibly predict why you seem to have lost interest in sex. Tell her what’s up and let her be an asset, rather than one more element in the roster of things that have been weighing on you.

If you need more tailored advice, I can’t be more emphatic about making an appointment with one of the clinicians at CPS. I wish you the best of luck.

— The Sexpert

The Sexpert is written by a team of peer sexual health educators and fact-checked by University health professionals. You can submit questions to sexpert@dailyprincetonian.com. Don’t be shy!