NCAA Tournament: The mascot bracket

It’s NCAA tournament time once again, and that means it’s time for the third edition of the Annual Mascot Fight Bracket, in which we go through the tournament choosing the victors based on which team’s nickname would beat the other team’s nickname in a fight. I use the nickname rather than the actual mascot; for example, when Stanford plays, they are represented by the color cardinal red, not that weird tree they have. Either way, it’s not exactly a fear-inspiring sight. Without further ado, the 2011 Mascot Bracket. 

(DISCLAIMER: The 2011 Mascot Bracket is in no way related to the bracket of the 2011 NCAA Tournament, and some or all of the below results could be, well, totally wrong.) 

First Four

16 seed

Texas-San Antonio Roadrunners vs. Alabama St. Hornets

Beep Beep! Roadrunners can run like the wind and outwit even the wiliest coyotes. But can they survive disturbing a hornet’s nest? They could probably run away for a while, but eventually the angry stingers have to corner them. Hornets win.

12 seed

UAB Blazers vs. Clemson Tigers

As spiffy as Alabama-Birmingham looks in their semiformal attire, one has to doubt that their jackets will remain intact when tigers get through with them. Easy victory for Clemson. 

11 seed

USC Trojans vs. VCU Rams

The Trojans proved themselves susceptible to horses once upon a time long ago, but rams wouldn’t present quite the same challenge. Even classical-era weaponry can kill angered livestock. Trojans advance.

16 seed

UNC-Asheville Bulldogs vs. Arkansas Little-Rock Trojans

More Trojans! Bulldogs might be a bit more tenacious than rams, but not enough. The Trojans will knock them out before you can say Jack Robinson, provided that you have a severe speech impediment.

East Regional

No. 1-seed Ohio St. Buckeyes versus No. 16-seed Alabama St. Hornets

Buckeyes may be poisonous, but it’s not like they can actually attack a hornet. The stinging southerners pull our first major upset. 

No. 8-seed George Mason Patriots versus No. 9-seed Villanova Wildcats

Wildcats, for all their prevalence in team naming, are actually rather small and non-threatening. Patriots, on the other hand, have all the self-righteousness of nationalistic fervor on their side. Can’t you just hear them shouting “Vive la Revolution!” as they pummel wildcats into submission with their truncheons and cudgels? No? That’s…just me? Well then. This is awkward.

No. 5-seed West Virginia Mountaineers versus No. 12-seed Clemson Tigers       

Climbing mountains can prepare you to deal with mountain lions, cougars (are those mountain lions? I never exactly knew…), and possibly even things like altitude sickness or frostbite, but tigers? That’s a whole ‘nother kettle of fish, friendo. Or, rather, tigers. Clemson advances.

No. 4-seed Kentucky Wildcats versus No. 13-seed Princeton Tigers

We’ve already seen that wildcats aren’t really all that much to contend with, and the Orange and Black have that tiger blood. We know this is happening. For Old Nassau. Princeton victorious! 

No. 6-seed Xavier Musketeers versus No. 11-seed Marquette Golden Eagles 

Xavier would probably prefer to be playing this game three on three. If that were the case, I’d be tempted to give them the benefit of the Dumas. But their 18th century level inaccuracy is going to be a little bit worrisome, especially when you consider that golden eagles have to be better with their talons than regular eagles. Plus, you know that youtube video where the eagle picks up the goat and drops it? I mean, damn. Marquette wins in a rare animal over human upset.

No. 3-seed Syracuse Orange versus No. 14 Indiana St. Sycamores

Um. Uh. You can’t really even call this one a standoff of who blinks first, because I’m pretty sure neither fruit nor trees have eyes. The tie is broken by the following logic: this one time, I had an orange in my backpack for like three weeks that I totally forgot about. When I found it, it was so gross that I threw it out the window. Sycamores, on the other hand, can live for years and years. So Indiana St. will outlast Syracuse in a war of attrition.

No. 7-seed Washington Huskies versus No. 10-seed Georgia Bulldogs

This one sure is going to be a dogfight, isn’t it? Oh, how I crack myself up with idiocy. Seriously, though, who is going to win? They’re similar size, both have reputations for strength, and are capable of aggression. Wikipedia says that bulldogs rank 78th out of 80th in working/obedience intelligence, while huskies are great at being sled dogs. So we’ll just have to assume that Washington can outsmart Georgia.

No. 2-seed North Carolina Tar Heels versus No. 15-seed  Long Island Blackbirds

Take these broken wings and learn to peck out the eyes of people who are unfortunate enough to have gotten stuck in tar and don’t have a stupid Brer Fox to throw them in a briar patch. The top few seeds in the East Regional really are not off to a good start here. Honestly, though, tar is really sticky and I think Long Island wins this one.

Second Round (I’m calling it the Second Round no matter what stupid new terminology is happening this year):

Alabama St. Hornets versus George Mason Patriots

Hornets are powerful. They’re obnoxious. But when you are trying to win self-determination for your people, you can overcome some little insect dudes. Just ask Woodrow Wilson.

Clemson Tigers versus Princeton Tigers

Oh, the unimaginative world of the NCAA. Tigers vs…also Tigers. But which of these Tigers advanced to the tournament on a magical buzzer-beater by Douglas Davis, followed by delirious fans storming the court? Oh right. That was us. Princeton wins.

Marquette Golden Eagles versus Indiana St. Sycamores

That’s alright, that’s ok, you’re going to live in us someday! Come to think of it, that doesn’t have a great ring to it. But that’s really all Indiana St. can say. It’s not like they can stop Marquette from doing anything.

Washington Huskies versus Long Island Blackbirds

I’ve learned two things from doing these mascot brackets. One of them is that I spend way too much time thinking about this stuff and really should be learning things like “how to write my thesis” or “how to be a real person.” The second is, don’t let birds always win based on the logic that they could just fly. If blackbirds couldn’t just fly, huskies would tear them to shreds. And so they will.

Regional Semifinal:

George Mason Patriots versus Princeton Tigers

Alright. We get it. You love your country. You’re willing to fight for it? But are you…bi-winning? In this case, Princeton is tri-winning, because Old Nassau just jacked up some more pretenders. Three cheers.

Marquette Golden Eagles versus Washington Huskies 

I was fine with Huskies killing blackbirds. But eagles? Golden eagles? You gotta think they’re gonna swoop down and rock those dogs. You’ve seen the end of Lord of the Rings. And if you haven’t, you’ll just have to trust me. Eagles can get it done.

Regional Final:

Princeton Tigers versus Marquette Golden Eagles

Tyger, Tyger, burning brightly, in the forest of New Jersey. What immortal hand or eye could beat the shit out of some eagles? Kareem Motherf***ing Maddox’s hand or eye, that’s whose. Come on.

East Regional Champion:

Princeton Tigers 

West Regional:

No. 1-seed Duke Blue Devils versus No. 16-seed Hampton Pirates

Pirates are formidable foes. They’ll make you walk the plank, they have eyepatches, and they’re pretty good at searching for booty, if you catch my drift. Aw yeah. But they really can’t deal with the forces of pure evil.

No. 8-seed Michigan Wolverines versus No. 9-seed Tennessee Volunteers

“Who wants to come up to the board and demonstrate this problem?”

“I do! I do!”

“Well, little Jimmy, aren’t you the sweetest volunteer. It’s too bad that this problem is actually HOW DO YOU DEFEND YOURSELF AGAINST CRAZED WOLVERINES AND THE ANSWER IS YOU DO NOT THEY ABSOLUTELY TEAR YOU APART WITH THEIR FRENZIED CLAWS.”

Game. Over.

No. 5-seed Arizona Wildcats versus No. 12-seed Memphis Tigers 

We’ve seen this before. Ball don’t lie. And by ball we mean “Tigers.” Which definitely has led to some misunderstandings.

No. 4-seed Texas Longhorns versus No. 13-seed Oakland Golden Grizzlies

Longhorns, eh? That sounds kinda intimidating until you remember that they’re cows, and cows couldn’t perceive danger if it stared them in the face and shot them. Which, if you think about it, is kinda what happens. On the other hand, Oakland has not only grizzly bears, but they’re infused with the power of gold. And everyone loves gold. Oakland wins.

No. 6-seed Cincinnati Bearcats No. 11-seed Missouri Tigers 

It’s a bear! It’s a cat! It’s Super…no, it’s definitely either a bear or a cat. We can’t tell. But Schrodinger’s bearcat advances, mostly because there are too many damn Tigers and only one group really matters.

No. 3-seed Connecticut Huskies versus No. 14-seed Bucknell Bison 

We’ve seen huskies before. We know about their prowess in dogsleds. We know they’re smarter than Bulldogs. But can they deal with bison? Bison are real big. Really big. Remember how big they were? In Oregon Trail, when you can’t even carry like one tenth of the meat? It’s that big. Bucknell wins.

No. 7-seed Temple Owls versus No. 10-seed Penn State Nittany Lions

Owls are straight up gangster. I love the shit out of some owls. But lions? Even nittany lions, whatever that means? That’s a tough out. Penn State wins.

No. 2-seed San Diego State Aztecs versus No. 15-seed Northern Colorado Bears 

I’m sure there were plenty of Aztec vs. Bear matchups some years ago, but sadly those records are lost to posterity. Or, if they aren’t, I sure can’t find them. I’m going to give the edge to the Aztecs, cause they were some ferocious ass-dudes. Getting their sacrifice on and all? And it’s not like Bears won’t still be represented.

Second Round:

Duke Blue Devils versus Michigan Wolverines

Wolverines are fierce. No doubt. But devils, man. It comes back to devils. The devil knows what to do.

Memphis Tigers versus Oakland Golden Grizzlies 

It’s one of the oldest questions in the book. Which book, I don’t know. But that book. The book of questions. Tiger or Bear? Tiger or Bear? Bear or Tiger? But Oakland’s bears are made out of gold, and gold knows what’s up. Whatever that means. I’m picking Oakland.

Cincinnati Bearcats versus Bucknell Bison

At first glance, you might think this is an easy one for the Bison. But then you think about it. Bear. Cat. Bear. Cat. Bears are strong and fierce and fast. Cats are agile and have sharp claws and are also fast. Bearcats might be the most underrated things I can think of other than Nutter Butters, the Thirty Years’ War, and Will Arnett. That’s probably still a stretch, because I keep thinking of other underrated things: Saturn, the Michelle Branch song “Are You Happy Now?”, eel rolls, corn, ORF 309: Probability and Stochastic Systems, the name “Aloysius,”  brohats.com, etc. I’m giving this one to Cincinnati.

San Diego St. Aztecs versus Penn St. Nittany Lions

Ok. Disclaimer here. I was totes mcgotes going to pick Penn St. here, but then I looked up Nittany Lion on Wikipedia and I saw that the mascot of the Nittany Lion was invented by a random Penn State dude in 1907 who said that it would defeat the Princeton Tiger. Obviously, the Princeton Tiger would not lose to the damn Nittany Lion. This makes me resent the Nittany Lion, and this makes me choose the Aztecs. They got their war on anyhow.

Sweet Sixteen: 

Duke Blue Devils versus Oakland Golden Grizzlies

Both teams here have a color modifier. Obviously, golden is a bit more eye-catching than blue. But grizzlies aren’t associated with eternal damnation and that sort of thing. I know Duke sucks, but you have to respect the game. Respect the game, respect the hat. And by respect the hat I mean the neon green hat that says “TRUE” on it that I am currently wearing.

Cincinnati Bearcats versus San Diego St. Aztecs

I finally looked up Bearcats, because let it never be said that I am not only incompetent but lazy. And apparently it is another name for the Binturing, a mammal from Southeast Asia. But it’s also a colloquial term for mountain lions? And a fighter aircraft? And a film in 1922 starring Hoot Gibson? God damn Wikipedia can confuse a man. I think I’m going to go ahead and let the Aztecs take this one, with their sacrifices and their spears and their strange love of the letter combination “tl” (Tenochtitlan, Nahuatl, Tlaxcala, Quetzocoatl, etc.) and whatever else they had going for them.

Regional Final

Duke Blue Devils versus San Diego St. Aztecs

Amazingly, the top two seeds survive to the Elite Eight. And when they get there, those Mexican dudes find much more than they bargained for. Specifically, they find a concept literally constructed as everything negative and powerful. Well. Shit. Duke wins.

Southwest Regional

No. 1-seed Kansas Jayhawks versus No. 16-seed  Boston University Terriers

This one is just going to be sad, kind of like the real game. All these cute little terriers running around, and then they just get swooped down on and it’s pretty much game over.

No. 8-seed UNLV Runnin’ Rebels versus No. 9-seed Illinois Fighting Illini

I love adjectival names! And adjectival matchups! Obviously, Rebels are pretty formidable, even if they don’t have a cause. But Illini have the fighting modifier next to them, and that’s certainly a lot more impressive than Runnin’. One gets the impression that when the going gets tough, UNLV gets the heck out of dodge.

No. 5-seed Vanderbilt Commodores versus No. 12-seed Richmond Spiders 

I mean, you have to think that if you’re capable of commanding a ship, you can deal with an infestation of spiders, right? We’re not talking Aragog here. (NOTE: If we were, Richmond would obviously win.) But Vanderbilt advances.

No. 4-seed Louisville Cardinals versus No. 13-seed Morehead State Eagles

In this bird-on-bird showdown, you obviously have to give it to the large-taloned Eagles.

No. 6-seed Georgetown Hoyas versus No. 11 seed USC Trojans

Remember, “Hoya Saxa” means “What Rocks?” So this is pretty much “Trojans” versus “What!” As much as I love Lil Jon (“OK!!”), Trojans are powerful enough to advance here.

No. 3-seed Purdue Boilermakers versus No. 14-seeed St. Peter’s Peacocks

Peacocks are all fancy and showy and prancing all around in their plumage, but when you really need someone to make you a boiler, who you gonna call? Purdue. And if you said Ghostbusters, you’re wrong, because that’s who you call if there’s something strange in the neighborhood. Like a peacock, actually.

No. 7-seed Texas A&M Aggies versus No. 10-seed Florida St. Seminoles 

Dudes who work on a farm versus Native American warriors? I feel like we’ve seen this happen before. But the warriors take it.

No. 2-seed Notre Dame Fighting Irish versus No. 15-seed Akron Zips

I don’t exactly know who or what a Zip is, but it’s St. Patrick’s Day, and that means that the Fighting Irish are a damn difficult team to beat.

Second Round

Kansas Jayhawks versus Illinois Fighting Illini

Little dogs are one thing. But highly trained fighting men? Kansas can’t deal with that. 

Vanderbilt Commodores versus Morehead State Eagles

I like eagles. I like eagles a lot. But the commodores have shipboard cannons, and sextants, and pikemen, and whatever else you have on a boat (I’m not too familiar with boats). Vanderbilt wins.

Purdue Boilermakers versus USC Trojans

In a surprising upset, Purdue makes enough boilers and manages to throw USC into the boiling water while the Trojans are still dealing with this weird horse that wandered in. You don’t want to mess with water that hot.

Notre Dame Fighting Irish versus Florida St. Seminoles

This is not an easy matchup to predict. Certainly arguments can be made for both sides. If it was the Fighting Seminoles, we’d have a near dead heat. But it isn’t. And the Fighting Irish simply refuse to lose.

Sweet Sixteen:

Illinois Fighting Illini versus Vanderbilt Commodores

Commodores would seem to have some pretty strong weaponry here. But let’s dig deeper into the matchup. They are all commodores. They are all used to taking charge. Vanderbilt is going to have some severe leadership problems that manifest themselves against the well-disciplined and indomitable Fighting Illini. Illinois advances, and I think we all see the exciting matchup looming in the Regional Final…

Purdue Boilermakers versus Notre Dame Fighting Irish

Purdue tries to pour hot water on the Irish, but they’re too drunk to notice! It’s St. Patrick’s Day, after all, and the Boilermakers go down swinging to the powerful strains of Finnegan’s Wake.

Regional Final

Illinois Fighting Illini versus Notre Dame Fighting Irish

Oh boy. Here it is. Fighting vs. Fighting. Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting. Dare I say it, those cats was fast as lightning. In fact, you’d have to see it was a little bit frightening to see them fight with expert timing. I don’t know what the funky China men from funky China town were doing there, but they were definitely not only chopping men up, but also chopping them down. Anyway, there’s a reason they don’t call it the “Luck of the Illini.” Plus, it’s St. Patty’s Day! Notre Dame advances to the Final Four.

Southeast Regional:

No. 1-seed Pittsburgh Panthers versus No. 16-seed Arkansas Little-Rock Trojans 

The panthers fight bravely, but there’s just too much Hector. Humans developed weaponry for exactly this type of purpose. 

No. 8-seed Butler Bulldogs versus No. 9-seed Old Dominion Monarchs 

One general rule for the mascot bracket is, if one group could have the other group as a pet, the first group wins. Therefore, I think we can all see that Old Dominion wins this one.

No. 5-seed Kansas St. Wildcats versus No. 12-seed Utah St. Aggies 

Wildcats, for all the wildness implied in their name, are actually fairly small and unintimidating. Agricultural workers are trained to deal with such things.

No. 4-seed Wisconsin Badgers versus No. 13-seed Belmont Bruins

Last year’s mascot bracket featured a magical Wisconsin run to the Final Four, featuring several parodic songs and general badger awesomeness. This year, though? The post-championship hangover derails our furry friends, and bears prove to be too much to handle. I mean, they are bears.

No. 6-seed St. John’s Red Storm versus No. 11-seed Gonzaga Bulldogs (or Zags)

No matter how much the bulldogs bark or bite, you just can’t defeat weather. It’s weather.

No. 3-seed BYU Cougars versus No. 14-seed Wofford Terriers

The result of this matchup kinda depends on how you want to define a cougar. But in this case, we’re choosing the fierce animal with sharp teeth that could pretty much rock a terrier.

No. 7-seed UCLA Bruins versus No. 10-seed Michigan St. Spartans 

Did Bears defend against an advancing Persian army against overwhelming odds? They didn’t? Oh. SPARTA!!

No. 2-seed Florida Gators versus No. 15-seed UCSB Gauchos 

The Gauchos are used to the scourges of the southwest, rattlesnakes and mountain lions and the like. But when they come down to the Everglades, they find a whole host of new problems. The Gators surprise them with angry biting.

Second Round:

Arkansas Little-Rock Trojans versus Old Dominion Monarchs 

Are these the warrior-kings of old? Or the rather inept and inbred kings of the more recent past. To make it more interesting, we’re going warrior style. Who’s the alpha dog on the Monarch team though? I think you have Queen Victoria putting everyone in line, and then Genghis Khan and all those other dudes just laying waste. Trojans can’t even handle them right now. 

Utah St. Aggies versus Belmont Bruins

Little wildcats are one thing. But if your farm is being attacked by bears, I think you’ve got bigger fish to fry. Not only that, they’re bears.

BYU Cougars versus St. John’s Red Storm 

Ah, look at the cougars, playing in the valley. But wait! The sky is ominously red! Rain comes pouring down! Winds whip around, throwing cougars hither and yon! St. John’s has conquered again! 

Florida Gators versus Michigan St. Spartans 

Gators, what is your profession? Getting rocked, that’s what. You can’t stop the Spartans.

Sweet Sixteen:

Old Dominion Monarchs versus Belmont Bruins

Bears are fierce. Bears are powerful. But monarchs know how to get shit done. They know how to lead. They’re taking down those bears.

St. John’s Red Storm versus Michigan St. Spartans

You hate to see a classic matchup like this happen this early. But remember, when the Persians said their arrows would block out the sun, the Spartans would happily fight in the shade. Looks to me like they’d be ok fighting in a storm as well. Michigan St. pulls the upset.

Regional Final:

Old Dominion Monarchs versus Michigan St. Spartans

After taking down weather, a group of increasingly dysfunctional kings is no match for our Greek juggernaut. Sparta advances.

Mascot Bracket Final Four:

Princeton Tigers versus Duke Blue Devils

The Blue Devils beat some Golden Grizzlies earlier, who beat Tigers. So would it be bipolar to pick the Tigers? No, it would be bi-winning. Princeton wins again.

Notre Dame Fighting Irish versus Michigan St. Spartans               

On any other day, you’d have to think the Spartans would have the edge here. But today is March 17th, and on that day the Irish eyes are smiling. You can’t stop them. Cross the plane. Touchdown.

Mascot Bracket Championship Game:

Princeton Tigers versus Notre Dame Fighting Irish

Here they are. The two best teams in the nation. The Tiger Blood with Kareem. The Luck of the Fighting Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. But there can only be one. And it can only be Tigers.

Princeton Tigers are the National Champions.