A plea for fitness variety

While my interests are certainly specific, that Dillon gym did not even include one of the aforementioned classes is appalling. The current list of classes, which ranges from swimming to indoor cycling, only occasionally piqued my interest.

Most promising was the special interest category. Such a vague title might have given me what I was looking for. Though, if by “special interest” the folks down at Dillon mean established athletic endeavors, such as golf and figure skating, I want no part in that. I mean, didn’t people stop playing golf after that whole Tiger Woods thing because they were embarrassed to be associated with the sport? Besides, I don’t plan on becoming rich enough to understand golf, so those classes certainly aren’t for me.

If, however, “special interest” means my own personal devotion to becoming a spy a la Jeffrey Donovan in “Burn Notice,” arguably the greatest show in television history, followed closely by “JAG” and “Joey,” I am so game. All I want to do is get in fistfights with Russian dudes, blow up buildings and make love to beautiful women. This is one of my many special interests, and I am firmly of the opinion that Dillon gym should be able to accommodate me. Alternately, I would be more than willing to take a class on becoming a Jedi knight. But not like Luke Skywalker, because he is a pansy, and everyone knows it.

In any case, I urge all of you to join me in a broad-based petition for diversity among fitness class offerings at Dillon. Too long have my efforts to become a Level 60 Mage in real life been frowned upon at the gym. It’s not my fault that I set fire to that elliptical machine — I just need more guidance so I can pursue these interests in a safe and informed manner. Together, dear friends, we can get in shape by resisting complacency and fighting for the fitness classes best suited to our own interests. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to pilates. I hope they don’t mind that I only do pilates while simultaneously fighting with a howler monkey.