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Sterling indicted for cloning Blake Griffin

“We first thought something was wrong in the second quarter,” said Blazers guard Wesley Matthews after the game. “[Griffin] threw up an alley-oop from the three-point line and suddenly there he was at the basket to finish it. That wouldn’t have been so odd in itself, we all know how athletic he is, but on the way back down the court it definitely looked like he was high-fiving himself.”

Blazers coach Nate McMillan agreed. “I was chewing out LaMarcus [Aldridge] at halftime for letting [Griffin] get so many easy outside shots when LaMarcus swore to me that he’d been playing in the post the whole time and had in fact blocked Blake a few times. I looked at the tape and LaMarcus was right, but I could have sworn Griffin was still getting his points on us. [point guard Andre] Miller said to me during a timeout ‘Coach, I can’t keep up. It’s like they’ve got five of him out there. I thought he was just being hyperbolic, but it started to dawn on me that he might have been right after all.’”

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Further evidence against Sterling arose when it was confirmed that the Clippers had released reserves Rasual Butler, Randy Foye, Willie Warren, Al-Farouq Aminu, Craig Smith, and Ike Diogu, citing “lack of roster space” despite not having signed any free agents. Diogu was confused by the situation surrounding his release. “Mr. Sterling came in, and said I wouldn’t be needed on the team, that the backup power forward spot was in ‘very good hands indeed.’ Then he cackled like a hen, and I heard a whirring sound from somewhere in his office. I could have sworn I saw Blake leave the room after me, even though I’d just seen him down in the locker room.”

Not every analyst is convinced that the Clippers have broken the law. “These people just can’t believe that the Clippers might finally have a good team,” said ESPN writer Bill Simmons. “All they needed was a lineup change.” The lineup change Simmons referred to was Los Angeles’ substitution of guards Blake2 Griffin2 and Blake3 Griffin3 for usual starters Baron Davis and Eric Gordon, as well as Blake4 Griffin4 for Ryan Gomes at small forward and the replacement of usual center DeAndre Jordan with previously unused Blake5 Griffin5.

Clippers coach Vinny Del Negro agreed with Simmons that the accusations were overblown. “Mr. Sterling didn’t clone anybody. Blake’s been playing great in the middle, and Blake2 has really come on strong with his passing lately. With our guys off the bench like Blake6, Blake7, Eric, and Blake8, I really think this team can make a run in the playoffs.”

Blake Griffin, Blake2 Griffin2, Blake3 Griffin3, Blake4 Griffin4, Blake5 Griffin5, Blake6 Griffin6, Blake7 Griffin7, and Blake8 Griffin8 were all unavailable for comment, although they were last seen being forced under a cardboard box by a visibly frightened Sterling, who appeared to have made crude drawings of animals on the side of the box.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.

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