Sprint football reaches new low, losing 97-5 in scrimmage against Colonial Club

Colonial was led by quarterback Sixuan “David” Hou. Hou, who is also president of the club, shredded the Sprint defense. He finished 35 of 38 for 475 yards and 10 touchdowns. Hou’s favorite target was imposing wideout Will Nguyen, who finished with 12 catches for 158 yards and four touchdowns. Shifty running back Stephany Xu picked up 116 yards on just nine carries. Hou is a former senior sports writer for The Daily Princetonian.

“There’s a stigma out there that Colonial is just a bunch of nerds,” Hou said. “I think 97-5 pretty much puts that theory to rest.”

Defensively, Colonial was led by cornerbacks Adrian Kwok and “Vincent” Hyun Bin Jeong. Kwok and Jeong hounded Princeton’s wide receivers all day, each totaling three interceptions. Defensive tackle Jonathan Atkins set up camp in the Sprint backfield, finishing with six tackles for loss and 1.5 sacks.

“It was a tough day for us,” head coach Thomas Cocuzza said. “Offensively, we didn’t execute our game plan well and defensively we let things get away from us a little bit. With some film study and renewed focus, we should be able to give ourselves a chance against Mansfield next week.”

Unfortunately for Tigers, Cocuzza spoke a little too soon. The loss results in the Sprint Football team being relegated to the Central New Jersey high school football league. Next week’s opponent will be Princeton Day School, followed by a primetime showdown with Princeton High School.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.