RCAs to patrol halls with firearms

Public Safety representatives have argued for years that their officers should be allowed to carry firearms on campus but the University has passed them by in favor of “ill-trained, 20-year-old entitled brats who do nothing but get trashed and throw up in our cars” Public Safety director Paul Ominsky said.

RCAs will use their firearms to end unregistered parties and students should be prepared to produce identification at gun point.

Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin, an RCA in the Forbes addition, said he was promised an AK-47 and would know if the administration did not honor its promise.

“I lived in a third-world country, so I know what they look like,” he said.

In response to heartfelt questions concerning students’ constitutional and human rights, general counsel Peter McDonough responded “RAAAAAAAAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”

“Princeton has been a University focused on its undergraduate students since its founding in 1746,” University spokeswoman Cass Cliatt ’96 said, sporting a shiny new assault rifle aimed uncomfortably close to this reporter. “This is just one other way we get to show how much we care about our undergraduates,” she added.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.