NCAA inquires about U.’s Cam Newton meddling

Initially, Walters determinedly blew off all questions on the topic.

“You expect me to answer your questions? I was Bill Bradley’s fucking point guard. I have no time for you idiots. Go back to orchestra.” Walters said.

Walters’ offer adds an intriguing twist to the scandal. Newton was once Tim Tebow’s backup at the University of Florida. But after being expelled from the school for stealing a laptop while pretending that he was transferring due to Tebow’s decision to return for his senior season, Newton enrolled at Blinn College in Texas. After leading Blinn to the junior college national championship, his services were in high demand from many programs for the 2010-11 season.

In November, Newton’s father was accused of demanding $200,000 of Mississippi State University in exchanging for his son’s transfer. Mississippi State allegedly declined the offer, and Newton instead enrolled at Auburn, where he ostensibly did not receive any payment.

The NCAA’s newest revelations reveal that Walters, in an attempt to resuscitate a languishing Princeton football program that had just seen its coach fired, attempted to woo Newton as well. Before Newton’s father even had time to ask for payment, Walters preemptively made an offer.

“I saw Newton as an asset with good intrinsic value, high growth prospects, and a guaranteed stream of returns. In case you’ve forgotten, I worked in the investments business for 15 years. I know what I’m talking about,” Walters explained.

Newton’s official visit included five trips to Carousel, Walters’ favorite restaurant. Walters attempted to impress Newton with his impeccable knowledge of the Carousel menu and the strong ties he maintained with the waiters and waitresses.

“I was trying to convince him that I was personable and am able to connect with people from a wide variety of backgrounds, when in reality I spend half my day staring in a mirror and the other half combing my hair,” Walters said.

“I for one do not think the United States is particularly superior to ancient, Athenian Greece, for example, Plato, Aristotle, etc., or its Academy,” Walters added in an unrelated soliloquy. “If anything, athletic involvement seems to have been valued even more highly by those Athenians than even in the United States. If and until anyone can show that Athens’ Academy members’ training, (including the gymnasium), yielded worse results as a society than grade/test obsessed USA, why not be open to physical rigor along with all others? … Further, as long as the Princeton motto has to do with service, (in the country and beyond), and does not specify single-minded focus only on a narrow range of test-worthy mental topics, why not focus on post-graduate track records rather than high school/college grade point averages and test scores?”

Though intrigued, Newton left New Jersey unconvinced, figuring the under-the-table payments he would receive from Auburn boosters would eventually outpace Walters’ seven-figure offer. Had Newton decided to attend Princeton, he could have become the school’s first Heisman Trophy winner since Dick Kazmaier ’52, and likely would have helped the team improve upon its 1-9 mark and winless Ivy League season.

Walters’ involvement in the Newton scandal has resulted in a major NCAA infraction for the football team. The infraction will be particularly debilitating for a team coming off its worst season in the 142 year history of the program. Because the Ivy League already bars its teams from participating in the Football Championship Subdivision playoffs and there is no Ivy League championship game, the football team’s punishment is a permanent ban on giving its fans something to cheer for.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.