Lax bros crush Quidditch

“I don’t know the first thing about quidditch,” senior attackman-turned-chaser Jack McBride said. “But have you seen the nerds that play on the team now? I could run circles around them in my sleep.”

Though alumni of the team expressed outrage at the decision, senior goaltender-turned-keeper Christian Blake viewed the decision as part of a larger plan. “Look, everyone knows that as lax bros, we can basically get chicks whenever we want,” Blake said. “But this move will really increase our credibility with all those babes I’ve seen reading Harry Potter in the airport. And Emma Watson. Total slampiece.”

While no member of the team has ever played quidditch before, lacrosse head coach Chris Bates insists that the two sports have a great deal in common.

“Look, we all know that to play defense in lacrosse, you just need to be a relatively fast, muscular bro without much hand-eye coordination,” Bates said. “Being a beater is pretty much the same thing. I think that our athletes will make a smooth transition.”

Bates said he expects that seniors Jack and Chris McBride will likely start at chaser, while juniors Chad Wiedmaier and Tyler Fiorito will lead the defense at beater and keeper, respectively. The remaining three spots in the startling line-up remain undecided.

“Honestly, I could care less about whether or not I play,” senior long-stick middie turned beater Derek Styer said. “I just want to watch McBride run circles around those Middlebury dweebs on his broom.”

Most of the former lax bros have expressed excitement at the increased visibility they will receive while on the quidditch pitch.

“When I make some tight save while laxing it up in front of the net, my helmet prevents all the babes from seeing my flow,” Blake said. “I’m really pleased that quidditch doesn’t require helmets. It was totally blowing up my game.”

Excited by the opportunity to show off their sweet quidditch flow on the field, many members of the team have started growing out their hair in anticipation of the season.

“Win or lose, we’re definitely going to have the best flow in the league,” senior beater Tyler Moni said. “Who cares about Voldemort. Harry Potter ain’t got shit on me.”

The most pressing question that faces the team right now is who will assume the coveted role of seeker. While capturing the golden snitch and the 150 points that go with it generally guarantees victory, more importantly, it also promises an in with all the quidditch chasers.

“Harry Potter, that guy slayed,” Jack McBride said. “Ginny Weasley. I would capture her golden snitch any day of the week.”

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Over the next few months, the Tigers will enter intensive training to prepare for their inaugural quidditch season. While Bates had originally suggested that the Tigers read the Harry Potter series to gain a better grasp of Quidditch strategy, he quickly abandoned this idea after massive protests from his team. “Reading,” Blake said. “No.”

The Tigers season kicks off when they make their first-ever trip to Hogwarts in March.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.