Yesterday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced that homeless man Roger Hughes has been hired as head coach of the American Football Conference team for the Pro Bowl. Hughes, formerly the coach of Princeton’s football team, fell on hard times after being relieved of his duties at the University.
“No one really gives three shits about the Pro Bowl,” Goodell said. “We figured that this would add some intrigue to the event.”
Recently, reports had surfaced that a grizzled Hughes had been seen on a street corner in Hanover, N.H. with a brown paper bag in one hand and a sign in the other. The sign read: “I am homeless, but will coach your Pop Warner football team if you give me $5 and/or a fifth of Jack.”
Soon after, a local news video surfaced of Hughes, dressed in a tattered, orange Princeton football sweatshirt, imploring a group of nine and 10-year old boys to keep running the halfback sweep despite the fact that his team was trailing 35-10.
“Man this job is hard, I have grey hair,” Hughes said in the video. “Old people have grey hair. Look at me, I have grey hair.”
Questions remain, as to whether Hughes will find a way to translate his 47-52 career mark at Princeton into a win for the AFC. While Hughes’s team has arguably the best pocket passer in the league in Tom Brady, Hughes maintained that he would run a spread-option offense to negate whatever talent advantage he had on the field.
“We just really need to put more points on the board,” Hughes said in an interview with long-time NFL announcer John Madden. “That’s the key to winning games is scoring more points.”
“No kidding, dumbass,” Madden responded.
Hughes has already petitioned Roger Goodell to see if he could replace one of his quarterback with Buffalo Bills signal-caller Ryan Fitzpatrick. Despite the fact that Fitzpatrick led his team to an AFC-worst 4-12 record, Hughes maintained that the Harvard graduate was a solid addition to the team. In particular, Hughes cited Fitzpatrick’s record-setting Wonderlic Test score. The Wonderlic is the intelligence test given to all quarterbacks entering the NFL draft.
“They say football isn’t rocket science,” Hughes said. “But he actually is a rocket scientist.”
When asked about Hughes’ ability as a coach, his former associates had mixed responses.
“I have no doubt that he will take whatever talent he has on this team and run it into the ground,” former Princeton quarterback Bill Foran said.
“As long as I don’t have to listen to the press conference, I really couldn’t care less,” Princeton football media representative Craig Sachson added.
Whatever the result of the game, Hughes’ hiring has marked a PR boon for the NFL and a star turn for the coach. “I’m hoping I can translate this gig into a six-figure salary with the lingerie football league,” Hughes said. “I mean, if I’m going to get ridiculed for my terrible offensive playcalling, I might as well get to see some tits in the process.”
This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.
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