Insiders who asked not to be named (because what the hell is an insider at this place?) said they suspected the announcement came the morning after Dean’s Date since, similar to the Eating Club Task Force initiative delay, University officials did not want students to notice. Asked to comment on the news, Director of Athletics Gary Walters ’67 referred the ‘Prince’ to Director of Athletic Media Relations Craig Sachson. Sachson said, “What? No. I don’t give a shit.”
The move, a $5 million transaction announced soon after the network’s $2 billion-per-year acquisition of NFL rights, is expected to allow the newspaper to print issues longer than six pages for once, since, you know, that’s what newspapers do.
The show gained serious momentum in viewership this fall as it chronicled the football team’s long road to its worst season ever. The piercing insight and commentary put forth by the ‘Prince’ sports editors is expected to be joined by ESPN anchor Stuart Scott’s blathering about how he used to be a wide receiver, and Chris Berman, because he went to Brown, or something.
“For some reason, people have been telling me that Ivy League sports are fun to watch,” some ESPN executive said. “I’m not sure why the hell we’re picking up this show, but hey, it will probably fill some mid-day time slot on ESPNU 2. I don’t think anything about the show is really worthwhile, other than the intro: ‘And we’re on the prowl.’ Fucking awesome. If only the rest of the show were that entertaining.”
Asked if they had any plans for the show now that it had moved to a larger audience, the hosts (who wish to remain unnamed, but come on, you obviously know who they are) said that they would probably add some new features to the show, such as interviews, and a backdrop that isn’t a 25-year old Daily Princetonian sign.
“I never thought this show would get so big,” one of the hosts said. “But now that ESPN is on our nuts, I’m just going to ride the wave of greatness. It sure beats watching the Chargers miss out on the playoffs or working for the ‘Prince,’ not that I would ever do anything like that.”
With Princeton primed for a successful winter sports season, the hosts remain optimistic that they will offer more uplifting observations than, “well, if our entire starting line-up wasn’t injured, maybe we would lose to Penn by less than 30 points.”
“I used to think all the time I spent working at The ‘Prince’ was a total waste,” the other host said. “At least now, I know that’s not entirely true.”
This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.
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