For the first time in decades, students representing each fraternity, sorority, eating club, major, and level of toolishness came together at a University-sponsored event. Associate Dean of Undergraduate Studs Tomboy Dunn, who handed out cans at the door, proudly called the party “an utter shit show.”
“It’s the rare occasion that I am this proud to be a Tiger,” Dunn said, wiping away tears and reeking from the fluorescent vomit on his shoe. “This is what Campus Club was always meant to be — a place where students would come together to support each other, share ideas and just have fun. I’m glad we’ve finally found the right balance.”
Highlights
The night’s festivities began with students coming in from the cold after the main Dean’s Date party. Many wore matching Princeton sweatpants and carried mediocre kettle corn. One by one, Dunn checked their proxes and handed them Four Lokos at the door. Occasionally, when his friends showed up — like best-friend-forever Alexy Rose ’11 — Dunn would order them to shotgun the drink. “Bottom’s up, Bitch!” was another oft repeated welcome.
Inside the clubhouse, the vibe was a combination of some of the best features of all clubs. There was a quiet area where Tower members could do their homework and apply for consulting jobs, a Cottage den with dudes in tanktops giving each other chest bumps in congratulations of how sweet they were and an area under construction for T.I.’s finest.
Most heartwarming for Dunn were the moments when students from different groups made eye contact as they walked past each other.
“This preppy Ivy guy in skinny jeans almost nodded at me,” said a slightly less preppy Terrace member wearing slightly skinnier jeans. “Best. Night. Ever.”
Faculty members were also invited to attend. “This was like totally awesome,” said English professor Jeff Diet Coke, adding “This was like Keanu Reaves bad awesome. (Better.) This was like Ronaldhino playing soccer awesome. (Better.) This was like exercising eight hours per day awesome. (Better. Better.)”
Aftermath
Cleaning up from the event will likely take weeks. But after 22 years on the job, janitor Natty True is well-prepared for the task. She is used to bringing a change of clothes, for example, since she finds bottles filled with urine in the trashcans outside students’ rooms — every single day.
“The urine [gets] on us,” she said. “They put it in the recycle bins, and they know we have to pick it up.”
“It’s unhealthy, and it’s really insensitive,” director of Mathey Community College Skinny White Man said. “Why you would want to subject another human being to handle your urine is beyond me. I’m just glad we had enough Four Loko left over to make sure everyone on the clean-up duty is drunkenly energetic.”
But Diet Coke said he did not think it was a problem, explaining, “We live in a world filled with injustice and thoughtlessness, and I don’t think the students here are in any sense more thoughtless, less mindful, more contemptuous of those who work hard in service positions than others.”
This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.
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