Auburn, TCU, Artest vie for BCS title

While BCS representatives declared that they would not allow themselves to be swayed by the disgruntled programs, several AP voters have caved in to public pressure and changed their first-place votes to one of the other aspirants. Voter Wayne Wiggins explained his vote for TCU as follows: “TCU didn’t lose any games this season. Until we have a playoff, there’s no way of knowing exactly who the best team in the country is. I believe it is TCU, and the BCS can’t tell me otherwise.”

Oregon quarterback Darron Thomas argued that despite the result of Monday’s national championship, Oregon was the best team in the country and clearly should have beaten Auburn. “Did you see our signs? They don’t even make any sense! How cool is that? Plus, that guy was totally down. He was down. You know he was down. We should have won that game.” Stanford coach John Harbaugh agreed with Thomas, but used his belief that Oregon should have beaten Auburn to argue for his own team’s supremacy. “We should have beaten Oregon, Oregon should have beaten Auburn. By simple logic, we should beat Auburn.”

Ohio St. president Gordon Gee went on television to declare Ohio St. the best team in the country, citing the Buckeyes’ 67-0 victory over the Little Sisters of the Poor and their overwhelming lead over other teams in the categories of “players named Terrelle” and “least money paid for tattoos.” Quarterback Terrelle Pryor chimed in with the argument that “we only lost to Wisconsin, and they lost to TCU, whose strength of schedule in Jeff Sagarin’s rankings was like 80 or something terrible whereas ours was all the way up at 71. Huge difference.”

The unlikeliest candidates for the title, Nevada, Akron, Williams, and Artest, declared their claim jointly with the expressed intent of setting up a four-team playoff for the “Real Talk National College Football Championship Presented by R. Kelly,” to be played in the Ukraine on February 4th and 6th. Nevada quarterback Colin Kaepernick gave several compelling reasons for the Wolfpack’s case for the title. “We beat Boise St., and if we hadn’t a lot of people would have thought they were the best team. You know what? They were the second best team, and we were the best team. Plus, my middle name is Rand. Rand.” Williams’s statement was read by a robot named Luther, who pointed to the Ephs’ undefeated record in NESCAC play and confidently declared that “secret simulations” predicted Williams would defeat Auburn 27-23 on neutral turf.

Akron’s inclusion in the press conference was a last-minute surprise, given their 1-11 record. AP voter Glenn Woofydoofy, however, came away convinced. “It’s quite simple really. Akron beat Buffalo, who beat Bowling Green, who beat Marshall, who beat UTEP, who beat SMU, who beat Washington St., who beat Oregon St., who beat Arizona, who beat Iowa, who beat Michigan St., who beat Wisconsin, who beat Ohio St. Right there Akron is shown to be better than everyone in the Big Ten. Add in that Wisconsin just barely lost to TCU, and that Auburn almost lost to Alabama, who lost to South Carolina, who lost to Kentucky, who lost to Mississippi, who lost to Jacksonville St., who isn’t even in 1-A! I mean, if Auburn basically lost to a 1-AA team, they’d sure as hell lose to our Zips.”

Ron Artest made no comment at the conference, except to thank his psychiatrist. He will play Akron in Kiev in the first semifinal of the Real Talk National College Football Championship Presented by R. Kelly, with the second semifinal that same day between Williams and Nevada in Odessa.

Auburn quarterback Cam Newton was unavailable for comment, as he was busy hiding his Heisman Trophy where “nobody will ever take it away from me. My precioussssssssssss.”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.