Today marks the beginning of the 2010 MLB playoffs. Obviously, if you root for the Phillies, Braves, Reds, Giants, Rays, Yankees, Twins or Rangers, you’re all set. Otherwise, you root for the Yankees to lose as quickly and gruesomely as possible. But what else can you care about? Here are some things to root for and root against this postseason.
Root For: Aroldis Chapman. The 22-year-old Cuban defector recently threw the fastest clocked pitch in the history of baseball at 105 miles per hour, and that was his changeup! Just kidding. It was his fastball. That’s still really really fast though, so watch out in Cincinnati Reds games for number 54.
Root Against: The Tomahawk Chop. Atlanta Braves fans will do this obnoxious arm motion whenever something good happens to the Braves, or really just whenever they feel like it. It is heinous, annoying and pretty much racist too.
Root For: Tim Lincecum’s hair. The Giants’ two-time Cy Young Award winner is nicknamed “The Freak” and looks like the dude who gets paddled and then taken to a keg party in “Dazed and Confused.”
He gives hope to all 5-foot-11-inch, 170-pound dudes with bad hair (hey wait, I’m one of those!).
Root Against: Alex Rodriguez. I mean, if you need me to tell you this, you’re beyond saving.
Root For: Bobby Cox, if you are sentimental. The longtime Braves manager is retiring after a managing career that began in 1978.
He’s been polarizing, notable and very effective, and I hate him because I hate the Braves.
But kind folks without a rooting interest might want to wish him well in his last hurrah.
Root Against: Chase Utley, the second baseman for the Phillies. I hate Chase Utley so much.
What do Chase Utley and baked beans have in common? They both provide a recognizable service to society, except for Chase Utley.
Chase Utley could go 0-for-5 and I would complain if he didn’t make an error. Yuck. A lot of people in this area like Chase Utley and will tell you that he is awesome.
They are lying to you! When Chase Utley was born, it rained for 21 days. And then there was a drought for a year. And then the snows came.
The Old Testament says that there were 10 plagues visited upon the Egyptians, but there were actually 11. The 11th was Chase Utley.
Root For: The Minnesota Twins, at least in the Division Series. They’re a small-market team with a hometown hero in Joe Mauer, and they’re playing against those awful Yankees. No-brainer.
Root Against: The Giants’ fat left side of the infield.
Juan Uribe (6-foot, 230-pound shortstop) and Pablo Sandoval (5-foot-11-inch, 245-pound third baseman) are living proof of the many ways in which baseball is far too slow.
On the other hand, Sandoval’s nicknames are “Kung Fu Panda” and “Round Mound of Pound.”
While Charles Barkley would be rolling over in his grave if he were a) dead and b) capable of lateral motion, those are still things to support.
I’m on the fence about this one.
Root For: The Tampa Bay Rays, at least so somebody will support them. The Rays are known for having dismal attendance for such a recently successful team, but you can’t blame their septuagenarian fan base for barely being able to stay awake through the first interminable inning, let alone an entire playoff game.
Root Against: Willie Bloomquist. What a joke.
Root For: Derek Jeter. Just kidding. Don’t do that.
Root Against: Derek Jeter.
Root For: Melvin Emmanuel Upton. If you don’t know who that is, it’s because the Rays’ center fielder goes by his nickname “B.J.,” which is short for — you’re never going to guess this — Bossman Junior, because his father was known as Bossman. Bossman Junior Upton is a name that you should be rooting for.
Bossman Junior Upton.
Root Against: Evan Longoria. He may be one of the best third basemen in the American League, but he’s still a Desperate Housewife at heart.
Root For: Elvis Andrus. The Rangers’ shortstop has an anemic .301 slugging percentage, but he’s only 22 and he has a name fit for a King.
I can’t help falling in love with him, as it were.
Root Against: The Yankees. But you knew that already.
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