Writer finally accepts Peteraf not returning, cries

After months of speculation to the contrary, junior sports writer Joseph Broseph admitted today that he doesn’t believe women’s soccer standout Sarah Peteraf ’09 is returning for the team’s 2009 campaign.

“For a while there, I thought she was just waiting,” Broseph said. “You know, to build the suspense. Then she would make her big comeback.

“But I don’t know man, now, I’m just not sure,” he added, choking back tears.

With the team’s season complete and the soccer player still missing in action, the rest of the Princeton campus has already come to the realization that is just beginning to dawn on Broseph. [Editor’s Note: Writer’s name has been changed to protect his identity. But you can probably figure out who he is. Especially if you’re in TI.]

“It’s about damn time,” close friend and classmate John Wetenhall said. “Every third word out of his mouth is ‘my sweet Sarah this’ or ‘my precious Peteraf that.’ I mean honestly, enough is enough.”

Broseph’s fascination with the rapturous blonde began when he was assigned to the women’s soccer beat at the start of his sophomore year. According to the South Orange, N.J. resident, it was love at first sight when he first saw Peteraf in the Tigers’ home matchup against Colgate.

“Well she was out there on the field, just dribbling the ball around, and I coulda sworn she looked up into the stands and winked at me,” Broseph said breathlessly. “That’s when I knew.”

From that point on, Broseph was hooked. Though assigned to cover the team as a whole, he took a particular interest in Peteraf, one of the team’s co-captains.

“I’d just hope and pray during every game that she’d score, so I’d have an excuse to talk to her afterwards,” Broseph said.

Fortunately for the sports writer, Peteraf frequently obliged, leading Princeon in goals during the 2008 campaign. Broseph, however, consistently declined the opportunity to speak with Peteraf in person, instead opting for phone interviews.

“I mean, how do you speak to a goddess — you know, in person?” Broseph remarked. “Put it to you this way… Would you look directly into the sun? I don’t think so.”

Broseph’s fascination was not lost upon his editors, who quickly realized they might have a problem on their hands.

Get the best of the ‘Prince’ delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe now »

“We’re talking about a kid who would have been happy if he were assigned to the Sarah Peteraf beat… it’s just not healthy,” former Executive Editor for Sports Jake Miller ’09 said. “I mean, obviously we didn’t want a repeat of the Sampson – El Halaby incident of ’03. From our perspective, as long as we didn’t have to involve the authorities, it’s all good.”

After the 2008 campaign ended, Broseph’s interactions with the soccer standout were abruptly cut short. To remedy the problem, the then-sophomore writer bickered the same eating club in the hopes that he would have more time to court her. The plan ultimately proved futile.

“Once every couple weeks, he’d be in the tap room, drenched in beer, holding a cup in each hand,” fellow writer Craig Matthews explained. “Whenever he saw her, he’d half-raise his arms and try to string together a few words that at least somewhat resembled English. He was rarely successful, so what’d he expect to happen?”

The 2008-2009 school year ended with Broseph’s courtship in scandals. In spite of Peteraf’s rapidly approaching graduation, Broseph remained undeterred.

“For me, she’ll come back for another year,” he slurred during the second night of reunions in May 2009.

Yet with the women’s soccer reason in the books and the first semester of the 2009-2010 school year coming to a close, Broseph seems poised to accept something that at least resembles reality.

“I guess she just never really cared about what we had,” Broseph said, eyes glistening. “Don’t worry about me though, I’ll find a way to make it work when she comes back for Reunions.”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.