This year’s lax bros found to be sweetest ever

A year after completing one of its most successful seasons in recent history and losing long-time head coach Bill Tierney, the men’s lacrosse team is confident there won’t be any sort of drop-off in at least one area: sweetness.

In a survey released on Monday, this year’s lax bros determined themselves to be sweeter than they were a year ago.

“I mean you guys know how the saying goes,” junior midfielder Tyler Moni explained. “A year older, a year sweeter.”

The loss of Mark Kovler ’09 and Josh Lesko ’09, two of the sweetest lax bros of the last decade, could hurt the team’s prospects, but junior attack Chris McBride feels confident that this will be an obstacle he and his boys can overcome with ease. Remarkably, he shared the same sentiment as Moni.

“Yeah, it’s just like Tyler said. A year old, a year sweeter,” McBride said.

One key to the team’s sweetness lies in its off-the-field uniform. Beer-stained throwback jerseys, flat-brimmed fitteds, and Air Jordans keep the lax bros looking fresh when they chug pitchers in the TI taproom or spit game on girls at Ivy on a Tuesday night.

“There was this one kid on our team who was trying to bring vests back,” senior attack Scott Mackenzie said. “And we were all like, ‘No way, bro.’ Honestly, if you’re going to bring back styles from the mid-nineties, you better stick to Jordan Bulls jerseys and calf-high socks. Anything else and you just look like you’re trying too hard to be sweet, which certainly isn’t the case for us.”

Perhaps the best indicator of the expected high level of sweetness of this year’s squad was the attendance at its Lax-mas party. Though veteran laxtitutes knew what to expect, girls lucky enough to make the exclusive invite list for the first time had always heard how sweet the lax bros were but remained unsure. Ten drinks later, they were convinced. Last year, it took 11.

“Listen, bro. Like obviously I don’t need alcohol to get chicks. I mean, just fucking look at me, right?” junior attack Jack McBride said. “But, like everyone knows, drinking makes you the man. Well, me? I’m the fucking man. Hey, how old is your sister?”

The ratio of hot freshmen girls to lax bros was apparently higher than last year’s as well. While some have speculated that this statistic might be skewed given the level of attractiveness of the female half of the Class of 2013, the lax bros were quick to debunk this as myth.

“Yeah, I bet some nerd told you that shit,” senior goalie Nikhil Ashra said. “Obviously, he’s just a fucking bro-hater. Whatever. Everyone knows that we’re the shit and mad chicks want to get with us. I bet even you do, right?”

The lax bros will have a chance to confirm this sweetness indicator later this year when they host their infamous LaCrush party at Cottage. Stay tuned.

Get the best of the ‘Prince’ delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe now »

Ultimately, what the lax bros are shooting for is to emulate the sweetness of the lax bros of yesteryear.

“Yeah, dude, the sweetness of the lax bros of ’71 is, like, legendary,” junior goalie Christian Blake said. “I mean, yeah, they finished 1-11 and at the bottom of the barrel of the Ivy League, but do you know how many chicks they scored? Who gives a shit about a record? Those kind of numbers don’t matter. You know the kind of number that matters? Notches, bitch.”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.