Hughes rehired as Terrell returns

After weeks of non-speculation, former quarterback Jeff Terrell ’07 announced yesterday that he was successful in his petition to the NCAA for another year of eligibility.

Terrell’s announcement started a chain reaction of events that included the firing of newly appointed head coach Bob Surace ’90 and his staff, and the re-hiring of former head coach Roger Hughes.

“Well, you know, Roger’s had success with Jeff in the past,” athletic director Gary Walters ’67 said. “It was the logical move to make, all things considered.”

When pressed on his decision to fire a coach less than a month into his tenure, Walters reinforced his authority.

“Whatever, I don’t have to answer to you,” Walters said. “I’m Gary fucking Walters. I played with Bill Bradley. What the fuck have you done?”

When starting his second tenure with the Tigers, Hughes will have a leg up on most newly hired coaches, as he is already familiar with his personnel.

“I was coachin’ these boys just a couple months ago anyhow,” Hughes said. “Don’t really see what the difference is now?”

Walters, however, is convinced that Hughes is a new man now, one capable of leading Terrell and the Tigers to the same heights they reached three years ago.

“Obviously he’s gonna be different,” Walters explained. “Why’d I fire him? To break his spirit. That’s how you find out if a man is worth his salt. A lot of guys don’t have the stones to break another man’s spirit, just for shits and giggles. I do.”

Others have attributed Walters’ drastic about-face to Terrell’s dramatic re-emergence from obscurity. Two of Hughes’ three winning seasons with the Tigers came with Terrell under center. Princeton also won an Ivy League title in Terrell’s senior season. Walters, however, didn’t appear interested in discussing Terrell’s return at yesterday’s press conference.

“Listen, you just have to realize that I’m in charge,” Walters said. “If I say ‘no comment’ to one of you, it’s not because it’s sensitive information that I can’t divulge. It’s because I don’t value your worth as a human being.”

Hughes will re-take the reins beginning Feb. 1.

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“I’m excited to be re-entering the Princeton family,” Hughes said. “Obviously we’ve great young quarterback ready to step in and lead us to victory. Who gives a flying fuck who else plays for this team, anyway?

“To be honest, I don’t even really give two shits how the team does,” Walters echoed. “Just answer me one question … Who’s the man? Fucking-A right I am.”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.