Column: Notre Dame turns desperate to restore glory

NBC is set to announce a new reality television show to air this spring — “Fighting Irish: The Search for the Next Frank Leahy.”

On Monday, Charlie Weis was fired as the head coach of the Notre Dame football team, and athletic director Jack Swarbrick has decided to fill the void by leaving the squad’s fate to a reality show.

Swarbrick’s predecessor, Kevin White, was responsible for the bonehead hiring of George O’Leary, who falsified his resume, and for giving Weis his enormous contract extension.

To succeed where his predecessor failed, Swarbrick is determined to find the right man for the job and thinks reality television might just be the ticket.

NBC has also committed to airing all of Notre Dame’s home games until 2015 no matter how poorly the team performs. Since it has devoted tremendous interest to the Irish’s football program, it is concerned about the decision Swarbrick comes to. Thus on Tuesday, NBC and Notre Dame agreed on making the process of hiring of a coach into a primetime show.

When asked about the decision, Swarbrick responded, “We thought, ‘Hey, the media is going to talk about our decision every day for the next two months. Then they are going to look at the coach we decide on under a microscope and critique every problem in camp, or during next season, as chaos. Why not make it into a reality show, bring some revenue in and extract even more national attention?’ ”

Didn’t think that was possible? Well, think again.

When asked about the design of the show, NBC representative Liz Lemon responded, “We will invite the top 10 candidates, including Jon Gruden, Al Golden, Jim Harbaugh and Butch Davis, and they will go through spring ball with the current Notre Dame football team. The prospective coaches will be judged by a three-judge panel, in a similar fashion to ‘America’s Next Top Model,’ consisting of former head coach Lou Holtz, Swarbrick and Chad Ochocinco as the color commentator.”

I can just see it now: Holtz would ramble on about the tradition of Notre Dame football, citing historic moments, while we all would struggle to focus on what he is saying, trying not to be too distracted by his unnaturally blond hair.

Ochocinco would pull pranks on the other judges, such as wearing Holtz’ wig, likely finding all of his stunts hilarious.

Finally, Swarbrick would play the Simon Cowell role in the bunch, struggling to figure out why in the world he agreed to leave this decision to a reality show.

The 10 candidates would undergo different tasks each week to test whether their coaching potential meets Notre Dame’s high standards.

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One week, the judges would test the coaches’ ability to run an offseason practice, and the next week the coaches would have to visit a top recruit’s house and convince him to commit.

They would then have to face a mock post-game press conference, during which they would practice simultaneously answering questions about another poor performance and fighting off an angry mob of alumni.

One week, near the end of the season, the coaches’ former assistant coaches would be brought in. Old fires would blaze and fights would arise as coaches got emotional about the job. (It would be like Tom Cable all over again.)

Each week, one coach would be let go and forced out of the athletic facility, kicking and screaming. ESPN would devote another 10 minutes, on top of the 15 minutes already allotted for Notre Dame football discussion, to the Notre Dame reality show each hour. Oh boy, sounds like “Rock of Love!”

The show has already brought positive attention to the Notre Dame football program, as quarterback Jimmy Clausen has decided to stay for his senior season, citing the reality show as his reason.

Clausen boasted, “I know I will be a first-round draft pick whether I leave this year or next. So why wouldn’t I be the star of a hit TV show first? I can show the nation how awesome everyone around campus thinks I am, while I wear my eye-black to class.”

I caught up with the departing coach to ask him how he feels about his replacement being decided by a reality show. Weis struggled to respond because of the Twinkie that he had just shoved in his mouth.

Still, it sounded something like, “I don’t care what they do. They are still paying for my nightly bill at The Cheesecake Factory.” Who knows? They might pull a twist on the audience by bringing Weis in as a contestant in week six to zest up the competition.

Tune into NBC on Monday nights for “Fighting Irish: The Search for the next Frank Leahy.” It’s sure to be a bust, just like the Notre Dame football program has been during the last 20 years.

But that’s all right, it will be nationally televised nonetheless.