Dodgeball: For ‘H2Omega,’ dodgeball is a life choice

In its first round matchup with Ed On Campus, believed by many to be a certain female social organization that shall remain unnamed, the water polo squad lost fewer than five of the allotted 20 players permitted in small-division play.

In subsequent rounds, wearing shirts emblazoned with “H2Omega,” the team rolled over club baseball and an impressive Sustained Dialogue team en route to the small-division finals, where they encountered the juggernaut that is club lacrosse.

At this point, sitting in the bleachers watching six-foot, four-inch sophomore Matt Hale mercilessly hurl playground balls at helpless five-foot, two-inch freshman girls, I turned to competitor sophomore Peter Sopher and asked his opinion of water polo’s chances.

“I don’t know how anybody’s going to take them down,” Sopher said. “They are just blowing through all the opposition.”

Facing off with club lacrosse, with the $500 small-division finals prize on the line, men’s water polo encountered its first challenge of the tournament. Led by Zalewski and junior driver Douglas Wigley, utility Eric Vreeland and utility Gregor Horstmeyer, water polo went back to the dodgeball fundamentals — “dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge” — to secure the close victory.

Water polo then faced Tiger Inn in the tournament semi-finals, a difficult matchup for all, as nearly the entire water polo team qualified to play for either side. TI pulled out a three-man win, ending the water polo team’s run and allowing the two teams to reunite against the nefarious basketball squad.

“The game with TI pitted friends against friends in a brutal and divisive civil war,” Zalewski explained. “I was not pleased to have to attempt to kill fellow club members, and I believe this reflected possible reasons for our loss.”

Several club members have taken exception to Zalewski’s excuses, and this writer can attest firsthand, having been eliminated by a Zalewski deflection, that the water polo team desperately fought to defeat TI.

The water polo team’s success can be largely attributed to its preparation. Early morning workouts, resistance training, substituting wrenches and traffic for dodgeballs in practice and timely motivation all served this rough-and-tumble squad well.

“Our commitment to the Dodgeball Tournament begins August 21, as we start preseason training in DeNunzio Pool and in the PVC weight room,” sophomore center Jeff Cole explained. “Many of us view our actual water polo season as the only way to beef up our biceps for the dodgeball games. This year, we focused on a ‘beach workout’ consisting of abs, biceps and triceps. This innovative training approach drastically increased our velocity and accuracy on the dodgeball court and gets us ready for our ‘suns out, guns out’ philosophy during spring.”

The true source of the water polo team’s success is its commitment to the sport.

“Team captain Eric Vreeland mandated that we go dry one month before the Dodgeball Tournament,” Cole noted. “This makes absolutely sure our bodies and throwing arms were in top condition.”

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Water polo’s tactics were clearly modeled on those of the ancient Greeks, whose style of close-combat warfare led to much success.

“We understood that our team strategy had to be flawless if we were to achieve victory,” Zalewski said. “To this end, we gathered on Thursday night in the room of teammate [junior driver] Matt Hudnall to view a Blu-Ray copy of the movie ‘300’ and study the ancient battle strategy of the Greeks, the Phalanx.”

Applied to dodgeball, the water polo phalanx consisted of having the smaller team members stay in front and deflect the oncoming tosses.

The water polo team also demonstrated an incredible will to win and some late-in-the-game motivation.

“We were all sitting together enjoying a pleasant meal on Thursday, minding our own business and looking forward to a great weekend, when one member of our team came across an article in the ‘Prince’ dedicated to making predictions for the upcoming Dodgeball Tournament,” Zalewski recalled. “Upon scanning the scathing review of the water polo team, several members of the team, in something close to a frenzy, demanded we focus on honing our skills for the approaching night of competition.”

Zalewski was referring to the April 16 article titled “Cap looks to defend crown.” As a result of the article, the men’s water polo team upped its workouts for the final 48 hours leading up to the tournament.

“Friday, we set our alarms for 5 a.m. in order to complete a pre-dawn jog of no less than seven kilometers, skipping water polo weight training that morning at 9 a.m. in order to cut down on soreness that develops and can inhibit muscle performance,” Zalewski said. “In the afternoon and well into the night, my teammates and I commandeered the Stephens Fitness Center for some last minute preparation for the tournament; we wanted to get a good burn in. We threw on some knee-high socks and ran wind-sprints in Dillon [Gymnasium], also wearing steel-toed hiking boots and lifejackets to increase resistance. In between sets of sprints, we incorporated sets of 80 sit-ups while clutching a 45 pound plate.”

With final physical preparations made, some of the team members said they were concerned that their mental games might have slipped. To rectify the situation, an emergency team meeting was called.

“Around 3 a.m., we congregated in Henry [Hall] with my teammates [juniors goalie] Scottie Hvidt, [goalie] Henry Fyfe [and driver] Dave de L’Arbre and [senior utility] Alex Edmunds, where we speny the rest of the night doing headstands and watching re-runs of ‘Law and Order: SVU’ to sharpen our minds and problem-solving capacities,” Zalewski explained. “In essence, Dodgeball is between 82 and 87.4 percent mental, so one must have complete control in both the physical and metaphysical senses.”

Though frustrated with only making it to the tournament semifinals, H2Omega squad is looking to the 2010 tournament with renewed passion.

“The famous [baseball player and manager] Leo Durocher once said, ‘Some guys are admired for coming to play, as the saying goes. I prefer those who come to kill,’ ” Zalewski said. “Anyone who wishes to write a preview for the 2010 tournament, be warned: The water polo team will come to kill.”