Baseball season has finally arrived

First off, the Philadelphia Phillies will most certainly not repeat as World Series champions — they won’t even win their own division. Pitcher Jamie Moyer is old enough to be the father of Cole Hamels, another Phillies pitcher, and will not be able pull off another sub-5.00 ERA season. Besides Moyer, I foresee the target on their backs and the strength of the division having a tremendous impact on their season, preventing them from making it back into the playoffs. The Florida Marlins are dangerous, with a tremendously athletic roster led by shortstop Hanley Ramirez and a young talented pitching staff. The Atlanta Braves are never an easy win. And in the last two seasons, the Phillies have been the underdog sneaking behind the New York Mets — this year, the Mets will give the Phillies a dose of their own medicine.

The Mets will win more than 95 games this season for two reasons: reliever J.J. Putz and closer Francisco Rodriguez. With Putz and K-Rod, the Mets fill a void they have had in their team the past couple of years and solidify a strong bullpen. Also, I foresee starting pitcher Johan Santana having 25 wins this season on his way to another Cy Young award because he can leave after the seventh inning with a lead and know the team can hold on for the win. The Mets retain their powerful lineup, led by third baseman David Wright and shortstop Jose Reyes, and have fixed their weak link this off-season. Look for them to keep the Phillies out of the October Classic.

Across town, starting pitchers C.C. Sabathia and A.J. Burnett and first baseman Mark Teixeira, the New York Yankees’ offseason acquisitions, will be hounded by the New York media all summer long with questions about whether they are worth the money. Well, Sabathia failed his first test, going four-and-a-third innings, giving up six earned runs and failing to strike out a single batter. Wow, look out New York — looks like you’ve got the next Barry Zito on your hands. (Believe me, it’s fun.) On top of that, Teixera went zero-for-four and left five runners on base. (That is exactly what a No. 3 hitter is supposed to do, right?) The Yankees will once again struggle through another disappointing season, as they will fail to beat the Boston Red Sox or the Tampa Bay Rays and third baseman Alex Rodriguez will try to come back too early and will get injured again. Good luck keeping your job, Joe Girardi.

Out West, Giambi’s superstitious mustache will reappear the season. You all remember his ’stache one week and his cleanly shaved face the next, all due to his batting habits. Well, mustaches look good with the Oakland Athletics’ green and yellow — just look at former players Rollie Fingers and Dennis Eckersley. So expect the disgusting image of Giambi to haunt “Baseball Tonight” reels as he tries to find his swing through the weight on his upper lip.

The most relieving story of the MLB season will be Bonds’ retirement. Some of you are probably thinking, “Wait, he’s not retired?” He is not retired yet because he thinks he can make a comeback. His retirement will happen this season when the San Francisco Giants will be in the playoff hunt in the middle of July behind their starting pitching and the development of third baseman Pablo Sandoval and first baseman Travis Ishikawa. Every single sports analyst will be questioning whether Bonds will try and come back to the San Francisco Giants. Bonds will show interest, and the San Francisco Giants will completely shut him down, and he will finally realize his comeback is futile, give up and retire. Hoorah!

Finally, in the Windy City, both the White Sox and Cubs will look to repeat as division champions, and both will. The Cubs have added rightfielder Milton Bradley to an already dominant field core, and now they appear to have no holes in their lineup along with a proven pitching staff anchored by righthander Carlos Zambrano. The Cubs also will have the most powerful player in the game on their side this season, President Obama!

I have never seen or heard of anyone with such a remarkable ability to predict the winners of sports events than our current president. One almost wonders, does he know who is going to win before he guesses, or does he make them win? Have we finally invented the Delorean time machine, and has Obama traveled forward in time to get a sports almanac? Scottie does not know, but you shouldn’t bet against the man with the key to the red button. He picked the Pittsburgh Steelers for the Super Bowl and the UNC Tar Heels for the NCAA men’s basketball championship. He has not made a baseball prediction yet. Hopefully he is too busy keeping the world intact and getting the economy back together. But come playoff time, don’t be surprised to see Obama predict the Cubs to win the World Series. Steve Bartman can even take his infamous seat and somehow the power of Obama will keep the ball out of Bartman’s glove and place it right into Alfonso Soriano’s glove to help the Cubs break their 101-year-old World Series drought. And Chicago will celebrate for the first time in more than a century.

Welcome back America’s pastime. It’s spring!