Ask the Sexpert — March 5, 2009

Dear Sexpert,

I am one of the few but proud lesbians on this campus, and I seem to have come across some relationship trouble: You see, when I returned to my room after class one day, I found the drawer that contains my sex toys had moved. After I asked my girlfriend if she had used my sex toys and masturbated while I was away, she admitted that she did and could not understand why I was upset.

My question is: Should I be upset that my girlfriend preferred to masturbate instead of have sex with me? Does this mean she is less sexually attracted to me?

—Underserved

Dear Underserved,

First of all, don’t be so sure that there are only a few lesbians on campus! As for your relationship problem, you do have a right to be upset. First, sex toys need to be cleaned when used by more than one person. Women who sleep exclusively with women are at lower risk for sexually transmitted infections. Women who sleep with women are at risk, however, for having infections such as HPV, genital herpes, hepatitis and vaginitis. Sex toys are safe by themselves, but if you share sex toys, cover them with a condom and put on a fresh one every time they are used by a different person. Also, sex toys are definitely personal, and your girlfriend shouldn’t have used them without asking you.

That she is masturbating isn’t necessarily a sign that she is less attracted to you. Maybe she felt like being alone and experimenting with what feels good for her, maybe you weren’t available at the time or maybe it just never occurred to her to call you. But it could also mean she knows exactly what she likes and is having trouble communicating that to you. If this is the case, it might help to talk about things you could both do to make your sexual experiences more pleasurable for both of you. Sit her down, explain why you’re upset, and try to communicate honestly about the issue. There might not be anything serious going on, but it will help to have a candid talk about how she made you feel.

—The Sexpert

Dear Sexpert,

Having become comfortable in my relationship with my boyfriend, I feel it is time to explore other sexual avenues. When I look at porn, I sometimes get really turned on by orgy scenes, and so I have become curious about a three- or more-some.

Get the best of the ‘Prince’ delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe now »

How can I discuss this interest with my boyfriend without him thinking I want to have sex with other people? If we do manage to go forward with this, how can we avoid any jealousy conflicts that could arise?

—O.R.G.

Dear O.R.G.,

If I understand correctly, you do want to have sex with other people — but because you’re curious, not because you’re no longer interested in your boyfriend. I think that’s an important distinction and one that is helpful if you want to explain to him why you’re interested in having sex with multiple partners. In terms of broaching the subject, it might be good to just ask him about it in a straightforward manner. He may be uncomfortable with the idea, and he has every right to refuse to participate in an orgy, but if he’s interested, then you can definitely pursue that option.

As for actually having the orgy, that could get a little more complicated. The most important thing is to be safe and to protect all your relationships. If you’re considering getting friends involved, you and your partner will both need to think seriously about how that could damage your relationship or your friendships with those people. If you’re considering asking a stranger to participate, you need to be very careful and make sure to use protection. Remember that herpes can be transmitted regardless of condom usage and that anonymous sex does come with various risks. My advice is to try to engage people you can trust, but for whom you feel fairly confident neither of you will develop feelings. This could be really exciting if you’re careful and if you and your boyfriend are open with one another, so good luck and enjoy yourself!

—The Sexpert

‘Sexpert’ is written by a team of peer sexual health educators and fact-checked by University health professionals. You can submit questions to sexpert@dailyprincetonian.com. Don’t be shy!