Men's Basketball: Obama pwns Tigers

“That’s what Ice Box does!” Clinton said. “Who’s got the biggest dick out here?!”

The Obama administration featured a three-guard lineup of President-elect Obama, former Harvard star and secretary of education Arne Duncan and United Nations ambassador and former Georgetown point guard Susan Rice. Clinton and former dook idiot Reggie Love played as forwards. The incoming president finished with a respectable 10 points, five assists and $700 billion in bailout loans. The Obamadministration was coached by Obama’s brother-in-law and two-time Ivy League Player of the Year Craig Robinson ’83.

“It’s always tough playing your old team,” Robinson said. “But we’re pretty good. To be fair, they had a much better chance of beating us than McCain’s wheelchair league team did.”

Both Robinson and Obama praised Clinton's performance.

“I’ve never seen a performance like that,” said junior center Pawel Buczak, who had the task of guarding Clinton. “I swear I felt a pair of nuts on my forehead.”

Freshman guard Doug Davis and sophomore guard Dan Mavraides continued their run of good games, scoring 17 and 15 points, respectively.

The Obama administation got off to a good start, leading 35-24 at halftime. Princeton closed the gap to five late in the second half behind the strong play of freshman guard John Sidson, who bore a striking resemblance to head coach Sydney Johnson ’97. “Sidson” finished with eight assists.

“Yeah, but what are you going to do?” Johnson said. “It was halftime, we were down, and I just said, ‘Fuck this shit. I’m playing point guard.’ I mean how many times do you get to play against the president?”

The highlight of the game came with four minutes remaining the first half. Duncan drove down the right sideline, cut back to his left hand, then passed it to Clinton. Then, get this shit:

She dunked.

Both Director of Athletics Gary Walters ’67 and the Ivy League office reviewed the tape to see if an actual dunk had in fact occurred. Clinton jumped off both feet, held the ball over the rim, then slammed it down with one hand. Play was suspended for 30 minutes after Clinton’s jam shattered the backboard, prompting Jadwin officials to roll out a Fisher-Price hoop for the remainder of the game.

“We understand that a dunk has occurred in an Ivy League venue,” an official league statement said. “We hope to see one of these again sometime.”

Get the best of the ‘Prince’ delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe now »

“She put 18 million cracks in the glass backboard,” Obama said. “I wouldn’t be here without her.”

As for the Tigers, they hope to take the loss in stride and build on what they did well heading into the Ivy League season. When asked for his opinion on the game and the team’s prospects, former coach Joe Scott ’87 refused to actually comment, but instead responded with a profanity-laced tirade about The Daily Princetonian.

“The Mets,” Scott said. “Fuck.”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.