I'd now like to invite you to join me on a little journey of the mind in which we will imagine what might have happened behind the scenes of the election, both around campus and in the hallowed halls of the USG office (you know, that room on the second floor of Frist). Let's begin at the first source of controversy - the referenda. I'm thinking it went something like this:
"Hey, I have an opinion!" says Self-Righteous Student #1. "Really?" replies Self-Righteous Student #2. "I also have opinions! Let's make a referendum!" "Okay," agrees #1, "but I have trouble using clear, concise language." "No problem!" shouts the Magical USG Referendum Fairy, who has appeared out of nowhere to grant their dearest wish.
Meanwhile, deep in the lair of the evil leader of the Coalition of Similarly Self-Righteous Students with the Opposite Opinion, a messenger runs panting into the room. "Sir," he gasps, "they have a referendum!" "What? No!" cries the evil leader. "We cannot let them get away with this! We, too, shall have a referendum!" "Sure!" says the Magical Referendum Fairy. "Also, you probably won't be hearing from me again as this joke has overstayed its welcome."
Before long, inboxes everywhere are caught in the War of the Referenda. Perhaps Winston Churchill said it best (or maybe it was Theodore Roosevelt; I have no idea, and I don't feel like looking it up): "Never in the field of human conflict was so much e-mail sent to so many by so few." Both sides warn of the dangers that will befall Middle Earth if the wrong referendum should pass. "Beware Referendum #2! It will kill your horses and rape your women, and you will NEVER divest from Sudan!" "Vote NO on Referendum #1, or your children - nay, your children's children! - shall never know what it means to reasonably disagree!"
As the battle rages on, somewhere in the situation room, a plan forms that will shape the face of our future. "Hey guys," announces Captain Weinstein, "just FYI, I've completely broken with precedent and endorsed my friend who's running for VP." "This is highly unusual," responds Lord Diemand of Yauman, "but I suppose I will allow this, on condition that you didn't make up stuff about me wanting to run on a ticket with him." "Um..." replies Weinstein. There is a pause that seems to last an eternity. Then all hell breaks loose.
As e-mail clients erupt with the cries of a people in agony, the High Council of the USG is summoned to its mountain fortress by Kepner-Kraus the Mighty. "My compatriots, we must bring an end to this all-consuming battle once and for all. I have decreed across the land that a new vote shall be taken." "No!" cries He Who Must Not Be Named (because I actually have no way of knowing who this was). "The people have spoken, and the word of the people is as good as gold! I challenge the re-vote, and may the gods strike down any man who stands in my way!" And in a secret process that none may tell on pain of death, the High Council makes its decision. The re-vote is not to be.
"But this is madness!" cries Lord Diemand of Yauman. "Our leaders must not be judged by the influence of their friends, but by the cuteness of their childhood shenanigans as portrayed in youtube.com videos!" "Silence, Yauman!" roars Weinstein. "Perhaps now that the fight is over, you have better matters to attend to ... like escaping Borough charges!" "You fool! You know I'm not to blame! I was helping a friend!" retorts Yauman. "Oh really?" growls Weinstein, now mad with rage. "Were you helping a friend when you KILLED ALL THOSE PROSTITUTES?!"
Fortunately, at this juncture, cooler heads prevail, and the High Council is dissolved - for now. Anyway, that's how I like to think it happened. I'm sure most of it isn't actually true, but the USG would certainly be a lot more interesting this way. Though it's possible we'd have fewer study breaks.
Brandon Lowden is an electrical engineering major from McKees Rocks, Pa. He can be reached at blowden@princeton.edu.
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