Outside the gates of your campus, Princetonians, your country is in rough shape. Right now in these tumultuous times, we need educated individuals to come together to solve our problems. We need to win the war in Iraq, and we need to save Wall Street. Our economy is faltering. We must employ those who are prepared for economics, politics and public policy to bring America back to its feet again. Those who can be in the nation's service and in the service of all nations. You Princetonians are the agents that can bring change to this great nation, but unfortunately you will have to wait a few years until your turn at the White House.
For now, vote for me, Sarah Palin. I can assure you that I am essentially Princeton material; my alma mater, the University of Idaho, has produced some outstanding politicians, like wide-stance Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho). Come to think of it, I think I could fit in quite well at Princeton University. A pit bull with lipstick can be just as ferocious as a tiger. One thing at Princeton I could do: I could be a leader for Outdoor Action. I enjoy the Alaskan outdoors, and there's nothing better than a week in the wilderness.
One thing I don't understand, though, is how so many of you silly Princetonians do Community Action. Real leaders are bred from cultivating their instincts in the face of nature and its dangers, not by going door-to-door helping out in low income neighborhoods. Has anyone who did that ever made an impression on our national stage?
Some of you may think that because I am a small state governor from Alaska I will be unable to relate to you Princeton students, studying at a university situated between several major East Coast cities. Just because I can't see Princeton from Alaska like I can see Russia doesn't mean I don't know everything about how to deal with you guys. We just need to get to know each other, that's all.
For example, I know that you all go to the Street by crossing busy and dangerous Washington Rd. You could benefit by spending some money on a nice bridge to go there. Or how Public Safety still patrols unarmed, leaving your campus a sitting duck for violence and Terrace. But I do enjoy seeing all the rabbit and squirrel, plenty game for the colder nights of the winter.
After all, I know what it's like to be ranked number two: Not only was I second place in the Miss Wasilla beauty pageant; now I'm the Republican candidate for the second-most important office in the most powerful nation. And likewise, maybe sometime in the next few years, Princeton University will become number one, and maybe I will too; wouldn't that be exciting? With 18 million cracks in the glass ceiling, the only thing left to crack is Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz).
I would like to end my time with you by sharing my true ambitions with you, especially since all of you are ambitious young adults. As you know, I've been quickly climbing my way to the top of the world. In Wasilla, I started out in the local PTA, then joined the city council, then presided as mayor of Wasilla, and finally was elected as governor of Alaska. Once America elects me vice president, the next big step will be as easy as Eskimo Pie. The U.S. presidency would be quite an honor, but the true, undeniable glory would be for me to earn the crown of Miss Universe. As long as I'm not asked to define the Bush Doctrine during the question-and-answer period, I think I know how to answer the question about world peace. This pit bull is ready.
Ben Chen is a mechanical and aerospace engineer from Los Altos, Calif. He can be reached at bc@princeton.edu.
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