Don't forget to tune in to this year's contest

There is an explanation for all this nonsense: it’s a daily sports section, and — let’s be honest — that’s a lot of sports. It’s fine when our women’s volleyball team kicks butt or our men’s hockey team does something unprecedented. If you’re really lucky, some idiots from Middlebury might even drive down to play some Quidditch.

Quidditch has proved to be the gift that keeps on giving. Afterwards I had probably eight exchanges with friends from other schools that were nearly identical to the following.

Me: “So, there was a Quidditch match on campus the other day.”

Them: “Wait, what?”

Me: “Yeah, really.”

Them: “How?”

Me: “Well didn’t you hear, we can fly at Princeton now.”

Them: “Shut the f—k up.”

Me: “No, really. Some guy in the physics department just invented this anti-gravity machine.”

Them: “Holy s—t. Princeton is ridiculous.”

The point of this lead-in is that this column is nothing like your average preview. It is worth writing and even possibly worth reading.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been too busy posting to juicycampus.com this year to pay attention to the beauty pageant circuit. And now that it’s time for Miss USA pools, and I have absolutely no idea who’s strutting, who’s slouching or who might be wearing the glass slipper (24 of them, as it turns out).

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So I’ve done some tough, investigative journalism on nbc.com and have made my now-informed decisions.

There are a few women worth mentioning from the get-go. Probably the most intriguing early storyline this year comes from Miss North Carolina, whose last name — I swear I’m not making this up — is Duke. There are two ways to look at Duke. She lists her interests as studying new languages and cultures, working out and video editing. She could be well-rounded. But I say she lacks direction, which tells me that Duke has been getting by on looks instead of talent this year.

Now, some of you might be tempted to say, “She won’t get away with that anymore.”

Aha, but she can! That’s the beauty of this beauty pageant. If she were entering Miss America, the pageant with a talent competition, she might be screwed. Miss USA, however, is run by Donald Trump and requires no talent whatsoever. In fact, the first time Dukes has to do anything other than pose will be in the cursory final-round interview. So I redact my initial pessimism and pass her on to the round of 10.

I’m also feeling bullish toward Miss Texas. Her favorite sport is ultimate fighting, and her favorite food is “anything that I don’t have to cook myself.” Miss Texas, you sound like a really good guy.

It’s hard to distinguish any of these women based on their dream job because after my unofficial count, 58 of them want to be some sort of a host of a television show. One who I can’t believe in is Miss Missouri, who wants to be a “sideline reporter for ESPN.” I have never met a sideline reporter I liked, nor can I imagine I’d like anyone who looks at what those people do and says, “Wow, I think I’d be really good at that.”

If, by the way, you need to see just how low the Michigan side of the Ohio State-Michigan rivalry has gone, look no further than Miss Michigan. Miss Ohio, naturally, lists college football as her favorite sport. Miss Michigan’s? Track. Rich Rodriguez will have a tall order in that state.

Otherwise, my top 10 rounds out as follows:

Lousiana, because I think her name is most correctly pronounced “birth a lot”;

Nevada, because her dream job is to become Miss Universe;

Kentucky, because I’m tired of Ashley Judd being the University of Kentuck’s most famous alum, and this woman could definitely give her a run for her money;

Florida, because I think I remember her from the Mitchell Report;

Georgia, because she likes hot power yoga and angel-food cake with strawberries, but she’s got poor stage presence — so pick with caution;

Mississippi, because I haven’t had to spell that since second grade;

Maine, because she likes to ski;

And Indiana and California, because both are absolutely smoking hot.

My winner is California. Here’s my case: She’s got a good walk — enthusiastic but without the contrived bounce that many of the others have. Also, I’m betting her twin brother keeps her level-headed, so she’ll come off as personable in the interview. And like I said earlier, she’s absolutely smoking hot.

One thing I should note, particularly for the pre-frosh in for the weekend, is that none of these women competing tonight go to or have gone to Princeton. If you’re looking to turn Miss USA into a Mrs. Stevens, Mrs. Taylor or whatever your last name might be some day, you’re going to want to head slightly south to University of Kentucky or Florida for school, which are tied for being home to the most contestants. The education might not be quite as hot, but the beauty queens presumably will be.

Enjoy the pageant, and good luck in your pool.