Ask The Sexpert — April 24, 2008

I've recently started dating someone, but I'm finding it difficult to stay abstinent. I'd like to remain abstinent for a while, however, so I wanted to ask you what reasons other people have cited for choosing to stay abstinent, what kinds of activities I can engage in and still consider myself abstinent, and what kind of support I can find.

- Choosing to Wait

Dear Choosing,

Besides religious convictions, people choose to stay abstinent for a variety of reasons: wanting to wait until they find the right person, making sure they are 100 percent safe from STIs, wanting to avoid pregnancy if they are with a partner of the opposite sex and not feeling emotionally ready. People can also, after having been sexually active, choose to become abstinent again. This can be for any length of time and simply reflects that they do not want to be sexually active then. These reasons are all completely valid - if someone does not want to have sex or does not feel ready, it isn't the right decision for him or her at the time. It helps to have a partner who understands and respects your decision. Talk to him/her to make sure he/she understands where you're coming from and supports you.

As for other activities, people differ in what they consider to be abstinent, and it's entirely up to you as to what you're comfortable with doing. Some people consider oral and anal sex to be activities that allow them to maintain abstinence, whereas others do not; manual stimulation and masturbation can also fall into the realm of abstinence or not, depending on your personal beliefs.

As for support, if you'd like to talk to an adult, you can go to the women's center, regardless of your gender, or make a casual appointment with someone at Counseling and Psychological Services to talk about how you feel. If you're religious, talk to the head of your religious group on campus or to people who share your faith. Finally, just reach out to the people you're close to if you need support but don't want to deal with anything formal. This is probably something that a lot of your friends think about, and even if they've made the decision to become sexually active, they will be able to relate to you.

- The Sexpert

Dear Sexpert,

I am a generally straightforward woman who doesn't like playing games when it comes to dating and hooking up. I'm trying to have a casual hooking-up relationship with someone, but I'm afraid that every time I talk to him he thinks that I am becoming clingy. This is making the casual part not so casual. I recently asked him to go to an event with me and haven't heard back from him. Should I just drop him at this point?

- Sadie Hawkins

Dear Sadie,

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It's great that you don't like to play games, and frustrating when others do! Hookups can become complicated when people start to have varying expectations, which often happens over time. This can be due to questions of exclusivity, contact with one another outside of the hookup or differing levels of interest in the other person. It's hard to know what the other person is thinking, but no one should assume that someone else wants a relationship without ascertaining this information. Your interest in being friends with him shouldn't be interpreted as clinginess, and hopefully he doesn't think of the situation that way.

Regardless of these factors, though, it's courteous to respond to someone's offer, particularly since you've put yourself out there, and you can let him know in a nice way that you need to know whether he'll be coming so you can make plans - no pressure one way or the other. He may be afraid that this is an attempt to start a relationship for which he isn't ready, so it may just be a misunderstanding. Hopefully, you'll get an answer if you talk, and maybe it will even springboard into a discussion about your individual expectations for the hookup.

If you do talk, which would be great, inform him of your expectations, and ask him about his own. If they aren't compatible with yours, you may want to question continuing the hookup. Girls can certainly take part in sexual relationships without getting emotionally attached, as can guys, depending on the person and the situation, and you want to make sure you are both on the same page. You seem confident in your expectations, and you should be with someone who shares those desires. That's not to say that he'd be remiss to want something more or less serious, but he should treat you well, regardless of the situation. Good luck!

- The Sexpert