Ask The Sexpert — April 17, 2008

Lately I've been noticing that sex with my girlfriend has become ... well, lackluster. We've tried almost every position (and believe me, there are many combinations: We're both engineers), but lately I'm just going through the motions, and it seems that just around the corner there's something much more exciting. In fact, vaginal sex has completely lost its appeal. I used to feel like the Supreme Commander in bed, but my privates just aren't following orders anymore. All my fantasies revolve around anal sex.

Honestly, it's not about degrading her. It's just that I want to try something new and exciting. Sexpert, is there something wrong with me? How can I approach her about this? Should I be ashamed?

Thanks,

(Former) Supreme Commander

Dear (Former) Supreme Commander,

There is nothing wrong with you for wanting to experiment sexually, and there is nothing wrong with you nor should you be ashamed about wanting to try anal sex. Anal sex is often seen as something incredibly taboo and disgusting, but this does not have to be the case. It's very good of you to recognize that this is something that should be discussed with your partner, however, because many people do not feel comfortable with anal sex, in principle or in practice.

When looking to add anal sex to your sexual repertoire, a good place to start is with a phrase that you used in your letter: "It's not about degrading you." While I'll leave it to you to find a more romantic way to say what you feel, the message is the same: Trying anal sex should be about finding new ways for the two of you to experience pleasure, together.

I'm sure that if you've noticed that your sex life has not been as exciting as it once was, your partner has too. While she may say no to the anal sex, in which case you should not push her, opening up this conversation may lead to a more open discussion of your sex life in general, which in turn may lead to new breakthroughs and increased pleasure for both of you.

If your partner agrees that she too would like to try anal sex, which is not a far-fetched idea, there are a few things that you should remember: 1. Always use protection. There may not be as great a risk of pregnancy from anal sex as from vaginal sex, but a risk still exists, and the risk for STIs is just as great as for any other type of sexual act. 2. Use lubricant. Unlike the vagina, the anus does not produce lubricating fluid when pleasurably penetrated, and anal sex can often involve friction, which may lead to abrasions within the anal cavity where the membranes are delicate. Therefore, it is important to use artificial lubricant so as to allow for penetration and prevent unnecessary pain. One thing to always remember is that you should never use oil-based lubrication (baby oil, lotion, etc.) with latex condoms. 3. If you want to change from anal sex to vaginal sex or from vaginal sex to anal sex during one sexual encounter, remember to change condoms and clean yourself as much as possible so as to prevent moving bacteria from one region to the other - bacteria that could cause result in infections that would really take the fun out of your sex life.

In following these simple steps and being willing to have an open and honest conversation about anal sex with your partner, I'm sure you'll be back to being the Supreme Commander in no time!

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-Sexpert

Dear Sexpert,

I've heard the term "outercourse" used, and I'm not really sure what it is. Is it all activities pre-intercourse, or is it an alternative to intercourse altogether?

- Searching for Alternatives

Dear Searching for Alternatives,

"Outercourse" is a blanket term used to describe all forms of non-penetrative sex. Thus, all sexual activity barring penetrative vaginal or anal sex can be deemed "outercourse." Some people consider "outercourse" to exclude oral sex, which could be defined as penetration of the mouth, but this is not always the case. Types of "outercourse" can be used as foreplay before penetrative intercourse takes place, or they can be used on their own.

The term "outercourse" includes, but is not limited to, sexual acts such as:

- Erotic massages

- Fingering

- Hand jobs

- Oral stimulation of the nipples

- Mutual masturbation

- Virtual or phone sex

- Frottage, also known as dry humping, which can take place either clothed or unclothed

- Intercrural sex, sometimes known as interfemoral intercourse. This is perhaps the act that is most commonly dubbed "outercourse." This is when a man places his penis between his partner's thighs to achieve the sensation of penetration without actually penetrating his partner.

"Outercourse" is a relatively new term that has been developed in the wake of individuals who wish to have sexual encounters without having intercourse, whether for religious or other personal reasons. It is also true that the chance of becoming pregnant is minimal, and the chance of contracting an STI during "outercourse" is much lower than the chance of contracting an STI during forms of penetrative sexual activities.

- Sexpert