What guys should wear when jorts won't do

The first thing you must do is judge your size. Go through your drawers and throw out anything that would fit properly on Shaq; the days of overwhelming amounts of fabric are long gone. A basic spring wardrobe should consist of jeans or shorts, T-shirts and sneakers. Many clothing items can look good, regardless of cost, as long as they fit well. Jeans should be snug around your waist and thighs; they shouldn't graze your ankles - think Pee Wee Herman - or the ground but should instead fall somewhere in between. If you wear your jeans too low, it looks sloppy; if you wear them too high, you shouldn't be offended if some kid calls you grandpa. Increasingly, the fashion world has been promoting skinny jeans, but a lot of guys take this too far and wear pants that probably cut off circulation to their feet. Please, for your sake and for the sake of humanity's continued reliance on properly functioning eyes, don't do that.

The style of shorts really depends on one's personal preference. WASPier types might like khaki-colored shorts cut right above the knee, and of course, faded madras or Nantucket red are also good options. Still others may prefer ones that fall just below the knees. Both of these styles are fine, but a general rule for shorts is that they should be kept simple and that if they are made from denim, throw them out immediately. In fact, when faced with the prospect of wearing jean shorts follow these five steps: 1. Find a dumpster 2. Apply copious amounts of kerosene 3. Add shorts 4. Add lit match 5. Repeatedly slap yourself in the face.

Once you've got the bottom half of your body covered fittingly, it'd be a waste to screw it up with a triple-XL "Boston Sucks" shirt. T-shirts should not look like they've been paper-mached to your torso, but they should conform to the shape of your body. Sleeves should hit mid-bicep, and the bottom of the shirt should fall in the middle of your belt. If you want something easy, just grab a bunch of polos as long as you don't mind looking like 96 percent of Princeton's male student population, the other 4 percent being Terrace Club members.

The most important item for spring is the lightweight jacket. I don't mean a blazer, but rather a jacket whose roots are closer to those of the bomber. There are three general types: the barracuda, the jean jacket and the fatigue. The first is generally a waterproof, nylon jacket. Think Steve McQueen. It has an elastic band at the bottom that should fall to your belt without making you look as if you've hidden a hoola-hoop underneath. The jean jacket is a staple of American men's wear. It can be cut slightly longer than the barracuda but should remain slim nonetheless. Stay away from really faded-looking denim unless you're trying to pull off a 1950s John Wayne. The last jacket is the most durable looking of the three. The fatigue is the type of jacket you'd find in an Army Navy store. Most of these jackets are cut broadly, so the sides tend to balloon outwards. Find one that is a grayish dark blue cut closely to the chest, and you should be set.

Finally, don't let your outfit go to hell with the introduction of an unfortunate pair of sunglasses. If you really need to get the one that has a designer name tattooed four times on each of the sunglass arms, then get it. Just don't wear them.