Wrestling team battles childhood complexes, lose, 46-3

This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.

Fresh off last week's 28-13 loss at the hands of EIWA rival East Stroudsberg, the wrestling team took to the mat against a tough non-league foe last night in Dillon Gym for its annual meet against the team's collective childhood complexes.

Princeton had some early success from freshman Mark Zeigler in the 125-pound division, but the match quickly went downhill, as the wrestler's lost 46-3 to their complexes.

The wrestlers have battled their complexes each year since 1985, but have yet to get a victory in the 21-year series.

"It's a weird dynamic, wrestling with the issues from your subconscious," said senior captain Devon Johnston. "I mean, if it wasn't for them, I don't think any of us would be wrestling to begin with. But at the same time, we'd all really like to defeat them one of these times."

Johnston wrestled in the 165-pound division against insecurities over his small penis. Though undersized, the penis quickly got the best of Johnston and came away with a pin in just over thirty seconds.

Johnston was upset over the loss, but was uplifted by the fact that his small penis finally did something good; it had been a long time.

The highlight of the match for the Tigers, of course, was Zeigler's victory to start the day. Facing his Napoleonic complex in the 125-pound weight class, Zeigler won a 16-5 major decision.

"I think in this case, my youth helped me," said Zeigler. "My complex hasn't fully developed yet, so I got the best of it this time. I'm sure it will be little tougher to suppress once I get older."

There was evident excitement and momentum on among the Tiger wrestlers following Zeigler's win. That momentum, however, was short lived after Trevor Abraham lost a major decision to his abusive father in the 133-pound weight class.

The punishment inflicted upon Abraham during the match was relentless. Twice Abraham nearly was pinned, but he staved off his abusive father, who just continued the domination with a worn leather belt that grew steadily more bloody until the end of the match.

"I really took a bruising out there," said Abraham. "Eventually, I just wanted him to stop, but he wouldn't relent."

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After the match, Abraham was seen hugging his therapist, who kept repeating "It's not your fault." Somehow, that seemed to help ease the pain of defeat.

At the 141-pound weight class, sophomore Jake Finnester grappled with the teasing over his skinny legs in middle school. He was overmatched from the start, and was pinned 2:34 into the contest. After the match, Finnester was seen flexing his calves in the mirror and smiling. It provided a sharp contest to the tears that observers saw coming down his cheeks moments before he was pinned.

In the 149-pound division, freshman Steve Cochrane lost to his high school bully, while junior Brian Lionetti fell to the late onset of puberty in the 157-pound weight class.

"That asshole has always had some size on me," Cochrane complained after the match. "Also, Brian has made strides since his balls dropped during his sophomore spring. We're all excited to see him next year once he has started shaving."

One of the more entertaining bouts of the night came in the heavyweight division, when senior Geoff Blumfield took to the mat against the nickname 'fatass.' The nickname was created in 1997 when he was knocked out in dodgeball by Tina Gurgovitz in the seventh grade. Grant Jeffries — who has since dropped out of community college — then yelled, "Hey, nice catch, fatass!"

The nickname stuck, and though it took on a level of affection from friends during high school, it was the emotional scarring from the moniker's early years that compelled him to take up wrestling. That, and his high school coach telling him he could win by "just sitting on them, for Christ's sake!"

The match started well for Blumfield, who has slimmed down some and acquired the nickname 'Haus' since coming to Princeton. Blumfield tired in the fifth minute, however while the nickname 'fatass'—much like the taunts in middle school—kept coming at him. He was pinned shortly thereafter amid howls of laughter from his teammates.

Head coach Rich Urbenzo '93 commended his wrestlers for their performances.

"It's tough to take to the mat against your personal issues like that," Urbenzo said. "I think that one of the most difficult parts of this match is the psychological toll it takes on our guys. A number of them had thought they had beaten their complexes over the past 12 months, and it's tough to see that they're still controlled by them."

"You'll probably get your ass kicked for this story," Urbenzo told this reporter after the match. "I've been preaching to the guys to lighten up and take a joke all year, but I don't think it's in their nature. Probably the same reason they lost this match today."

The wrestling team is Princeton's lone remaining team to compete against its childhood complexes. Director of Athletics Gary Walters '67 has tried to schedule similar contests for other squads on campus, but according to Walters, "No other teams have quite the number of childhood complexes as the wrestling team."

The two will meet again next year for their annual bout. Though the Tigers are hopeful, if the past 21 years of fighting are any indication, they probably won't have much of a chance.