Tiger is hung like, er, an even larger mammal

This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.

In a study released yesterday by University professor Steven Godfrey, it has been shown that the Princeton Tiger is endowed with a 12-inch penis. Moreover, the Tiger was shown to be packing more junk than the Yale Bulldog, the Penn Quaker and the Columbia Lion.

Many observers, some considering themselves experts on the subject, had projected the Lion to be the frontrunner out of that group.

"This is a great day for the University," president Shirley Tilghman said, in a rare endorsement of male sexuality. "We've always known that we were better in every way that those guys, but this proves it."

The Harvard Crimson, Dartmouth Big Green and Cornell Big Red were not included in the study as none of those colors have a phallus. Though this had been a point of debate in his field, Godrey successfully proved this fact in page six of his 12 page report.

"I wanted the report to be a page long for every inch that the Tiger was sporting," Godfrey teased.

On page eight, Godfrey estimates that considering other variables having high correlations to physical endowment, Harvard would likely have a two-inch penis while Cornell and Dartmouth would both be in the four-five inch range. This, Godfrey admits, is purely conjecture.

The Princeton Tiger, hands on hips and performing repeated crotch thrusts, was noticeably gleeful following the release of the report, and was more than willing to talk about the subject.

"Look, tell me something I don't know," the Tiger proclaimed. "I've been walking around with this guy for decades! Why do you think I always throw my shoulders back and walk with a strut? I'm the f--kin' man! In fact, I might even go so far as to say I'm the juggernaut, bitch."

No SNL-inspired presents

But it's not all peaches and cream, the Tiger admits, "One problem arose when I tried to give my girlfriend my dick in a box for Kwanzaa last year. I had no trouble with 'Step one, cut a hole in the box'. But during 'Step two, put your junk in that box' it just wouldn't fit. I never even got to step three. I just gave her a diamond ring instead."

The joyous mood prevalent around campus was tempered somewhat when the Brown University Bear sent out a press release last night containing a direct challenge to the Tiger's claim to Ivy League supremacy.

"All I have to say to the Tiger is: 'bring it'," the press release read. "He ain't got nothing on me, bitch, I'm hung like Chuck Norris."

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When asked why the Bear was not included in the study, Godfrey was noticeably reticent. A Daily Princesstonian researcher confirmed that Godfrey's father is actually a grizzly bear from the Pacific Northwest and that the two had a public falling out in late 1997. Though that doesn't make any sense at all, it seems to be the source of Godfrey's aversion towards including any bears in his research. Besides, Godfrey said, "Fuckin' Brown kids... that bear probably does so many drugs he can't get it up no matter how big it is."

Godfrey is presently studying correlations between academic disciplinary records and keg-stand times for tenured professors. He expects to release his report, written in conjunction with noted Goldwater Scholar Jonathan Charlesworth '07, in late spring.