Notre Dame schedules games against sprint team

This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.

Notre Dame, the traditional Division-I football powerhouse, has scheduled three games of its 2007 season against Princeton's sprint football team.

"We feel that these games will really give our team a chance to showcase the incredible talent it possesses," Notre Dame athletic director Seamus O'Connell said. "Plus we are trying to find some games in which we actually have a chance at winning."

Notre Dame finished this season 10-3, ranked No. 17 in the AP poll, but the season ended on a sour note when it was trounced by LSU, 41-14, in the Sugar Bowl.

The Fighting Irish faced many questions this season, as many members of the media felt the team was overrated, and simply received a BCS bowl bid due to the program's reputation rather than its on-field performance. Despite notching 10 wins this season, the storied franchise failed to beat a single opponent in the top 15, losing those three games by a combined score of 132-59.

"We recognize that some members of the evil media may say that we are overrated," head coach Charlie Weis said. "But we feel our accomplishments speak for themselves. I mean, um, we absolutely crushed Stanford [1-8 overall], which was a very strong team this year. And [3-9] Army did not stand a chance."

The Tiger sprint football team on the other hand, had little success this year, finishing the season with an 0-6 record, after being outscored 261-36 on the season.

By playing Notre Dame, Princeton hopes to raise its profile above its current status of being the butt of jokes and answer to trivia questions about losing streaks.

"I think this is a great opportunity," junior quarterback Trip Stilling said. "By playing Notre Dame, maybe I will finally get the respect on campus that I deserve."

His coach had similar feelings.

"We are going to lose every game no matter who we play," head coach Jebidiah Rinzelli said. "We would probably even lose to the Theta powderpuff team. At least by playing Notre Dame we might get on TV."

But many members of the mainstream media questioned the move on the part of the Irish.

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"I really do not understand this at all," ESPN college football analyst Lee Corso said. "It's not like Notre Dame had a hard schedule to begin with. They played Army, Navy and Air Force and I am sure they would have challenged a Coast Guard intramural squad if they could. Now they are playing three games against a winless team that doesn't have any players over 180 pounds? Oh well, they probably deserve the national championship due to their reputation anyway."

But O'Connell was sticking by his decision and felt they were making the right move for Notre Dame football.

"It really does not matter who we play, since we will be highly ranked no matter what," O'Connell said. "I mean did you see our schedule this year? It was a joke that we got a BCS bowl bid. Even I found that funny and I am the AD here. Anyway, 2008 BCS title game here we come!"

O'Connell added that the matches against Princeton sprint football will replace Notre Dame's annual contests with perennial full-sized title-contenders Michigan and USC and "any other opponent who is actually good."

"We will see how this goes," O'Connell said. "And we have not ruled out playing more sprint football teams. Not Army, because their sprint team is better than their real team. But we hear VMI is looking for some games."