This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.
Amid rampant speculation that his meteoric rise to captain of the men's basketball team was in some way contrived, it has been confirmed that senior forward Justin Conway made a deal with the devil approximately at this time last season. Furthermore, that deal is set to expire on January, 21, 2007.
Conway, who made his first start on Jan. 29 of last year against Davidson, worked his way up to become an honorable-mention All-Ivy League performer last season. He was named the team's sole captain for this year and has played well up to this point in the season.
Rumors were confirmed over the weekend when the Devil gave a press conference in the basement of Jadwin Gymnasium.
Speculation began after a reporter noticed the numbers "666" etched into the wood paneling next to Conway's locker last Tuesday evening.
When asked about the numbers, Conway's faced turned red and he stumbled through an explanation involving superstitions and his chiseled physique.
At the conference, the devil was candid about the deal.
"Yeah, we made a deal," Lucifer said. "And you know what? I think that we both would do it again."
"Justin had spent a long night crying over his place on the team when we got in touch. That was in early January of last year," Satan continued. "We talked it over for a while and I offered him a starting spot on an NBA team for his soul. He didn't take it. Instead, he traded me three years in a Sudanese death squad for one year of college basketball success."
Conway seemed crushed at the allegations, and denied them vehemently.
"Look, I got here through hard work, perspiration and nightly back massages for [head] coach [Joe] Scott ['87]. That's all I have to contribute on this matter," Conway said.
Before being named a starter and providing an evident emotional boost to the Tigers, Conway sat at the end of the bench last season. He walked onto the squad after not being recruited, and spent a year on the junior varsity team before making it to the big time.
Before his rapid ascent, he often would bring water to the starters during timeouts.
Satan, who seemed to be getting a good laugh out of the whole thing said, "What you guys though this guy was real? He's a six-foot, four-inch center! You're a bunch of idiots."
The deal, which was sealed in blood over a six-pack of Guinness according to Satan, will wear out at exactly 12:01 a.m. on January 21, 2007. The Tigers' next game after that date comes on the road against Seton Hall on Jan. 29.
"Frankly, I don't know how he'll play in that game," said the devil. "We never got to see him on the floor before our deal, so who's to say. But if I were to guess, I'd predict he gets dunked on infinity times, plus or minus 17."
Coach Joe Scott was taken aback by the allegations.
"Look, Justin's a good kid, he's not the type to hang with that crowd," Scott said. "But I have to admit, I've never seen someone improve overnight the way I did with Justin. I was about to cut him, but after that week of practice, I had no choice but to put him in the starting lineup."
After the devil's announcement, Conway was seen wailing into the phone, "What have I done mom, what have I done?"
One could hear his mother, Amy Conway—who makes a dynamite spongecake—reply, "Justin, just remember, you always got a home back here in New Mexico."
Unconsoled, Conway stalked off, the 2007 sprint football schedule in his hands.
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