Asset swap OK'd

This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.

The University will trade 10 spots in the U.S. News and World Report rankings to the University of Florida next year in exchange for one of its two major national champion athletics programs, it was announced today.

The move will take Princeton down to No. 11 on the controversial list, and bring the public school from Gainesville, Fla., up to No. 37. It is unclear which powerhouse team will head north in the coming months, though an announcement is expected later this week after the details are finalized.

"I think both sides are happy about where they're ending up," President Tilghman said. "This is a win for Princeton."

The Gators have earned renown recently for achieving the rare feat of simultaneously holding national titles in football and men's basketball, the two biggest NCAA sports in terms of revenue and media attention.

The move came at the encouragement of the money managers for both schools, who advocated the deal on the merits of diversifying longterm financial risk for both schools. It is a feather in the cap of Andrew Golden, the president of PRINCO — the company responsible for Princeton's endowment — who has slowly been upping returns for the University by venturing into increasingly illiquid asset categories.

"Look, all our revenues are pretty much tied up in two things: our academic prestige and loyal alumni base. Adding a premier NCAA program to the mix really hedges away a lot of the risk in our portfolio," Golden said. "Plus, you gotta love collegiate athletics as an investment. It's a growing market with a loyal fan base that gets slave labor out of talent they should be paying through the roof for. Don't even get me started on the high barriers to entry."

I hope it's basketball

For Florida the agonizing decision of which program to cut remains. The No. 1 basketball team is looking poised for another title run, but the No. 1 football team's dominating performance in this month's BCS championship game has its stock as high as ever.

The consensus among informed observers seems to be that the basketball team, led by fiery seven-footer Joakim Noah, will end up at Princeton. The comparative national excellence of SEC football, paired with the relative ease of rebuilding the basketball program, seem to be the deciding factors.

Sources inside the deal have reported a stalemate over Princeton negotiators insisting on Florida keeping Noah's headbands, hair and personality.

Reactions around campus were mixed.

"People should remember that we'll still be ahead of Brown and Cornell, plus all those Southern private schools that we only applied to as safeties," USG president Rob Bierderman said. "Plus all the publics, of course."

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"But the only reason I came here was because it was No. 1," one freshman, who wished to remain anonymous, posted on the wall of the facebook.com group entitled "Silly Harvardians! A's are for kids..... who deserve them!"

Long-suffering New Jersey sports fans were thrilled at the news, which comes right on the heels of the resurgence of Rutgers' football program this fall. It is difficult to tell, however, whether the celebration among the Garden State natives was for the incoming sports franchise or because, in the words of one Trenton resident, it might "take Princeton down a peg or two, make 'em more human."

Regardless of which squad receives the nod to fly north this winter, Old Nassau will have its work cut out for it in hammering out the details of this merger. New facilities will have to be constructed to handle the crowds which will flock to games, additional athletics staff will need to be hired and procedures will have to be put in place to deal with the presence of actual school spirit.