This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.
Squash, fencing teams brawl; none seriously hurt
In recent news, there was a showdown at high noon on the C floor of Jadwin Gym on Saturday between the fencing team and the squash team. While there were some serious injuries, fortunately no one lies in critical condition.
"It got pretty rough out there," junior fencer James Dockery said. "They had way more squash balls than I anticipated. Plus their goggles meant we couldn't poke their eyes out, as we had hoped."
The squashers had apparently brought along their rackets and rubber balls in an effort to bloody and batter the fencers with their 100+ mph serves.
"We were hitting them hard and fast," senior squash player Andrew Salanski said. "We launched volleys and volleys of the rubber balls at them, but they brought their damn fencing masks. Our balls were too big to fit through the small wire caging on the front, so we could only hit hurt their bodies."
According to a few pickup basketball players that had remained hidden during the showdown, a few males were forced into the fetal position because of several "aiming tactics" that the female squashers used. All male fencers will remain fully capable of producing children, though how long it will take them to recover is unknown.
The fencers, some of whom were seen attempting to sharpen their weapons, were rendered relatively helpless, their main plan foiled by the plastic goggles. Still, a few fencers managed to gouge a few legs during the course of the battle, possibly causing some really unpleasant bruising.
After a few nights in the hospital, the teams ought to return to full health. No one suffered any permanent injury.
"I'm just glad we're okay so we can get them back next time," Dockery said. "We're going to remember this for a long time. A very long time."
Grad College IM soccer team ends improbable run at
NCAA quarterfinals
A month after challenging the men's soccer team for their chance at an at-large bid, the rigidly disciplined, notoriously violent Grad College IM team nicknamed the Geniuli fell to Maryland in the fourth round of the 64-team NCAA tournament Tuesday night.
After just scraping out overtime victories in their previous two games, the grad students were blown out of the water, 6-1, by the Terps, who refused to be intimidated by the older team and dominated possession all game long.
The Geniuli had found a long-forgotten codicil in the University bylaws allowing any team of students to challenge for the right to represent Princeton in any intercollegiate sports. After securing the right to the Orange and Black bid, they were chosen by the computer system that replaced the selection committee this year to get one of the at-large bids to the tournament.
Romanian for geniuses, and well known as a self-given title of Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceau?escu, the team name reflected the predominantly Eastern European makeup of the team and its intellectual vanity, as well as the harsh, uncompromising style of play that led to many a hospital visit by opposing players.
Micka-Foos caught sipping Hatorade
Karl Micka-Foos, a respected senior writer for The Daily Princetonian and noted anti-Hatorade activist, has been caught in the act of sipping on Hatorade.
The incident occurred last Thursday at Dillon Gymnasium sometime in the early afternoon. Micka-Foos was playing pickup basketball when he was shoved to the ground while going for a layup. Despite Micka-Foos' vigorous protests, the opposing player refused to acknowledge a foul, leading to a profanity-laced tirade by Micka-Foos. He then retreated to the sideline, where, witnesses say, he quietly started to drink a bottle that was clearly labeled 'Hatorade.'
"To be quite honest I was shocked," one witness, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of physical assault, said. "I mean one minute he is calmly playing basketball and the next he is screaming obscenities and drinking Hatorade."
The Hatorade-sipping allegations, however, are all the more shocking as Micka-Foos has long been an open opponent of Hatorade, denouncing loudly those who drink it.
His most notable instance of anti-Hatorade activism came last April, in an Intramural Softball game. Micka-Foos, then captain of the Wilson IM team, had a long disagreement over the rules of the game with members of the opposing team from Cap. This disagreement cause much bitterness for Micka-Foos, who denounced the entire Cap team for sipping Hatorade.
When confronted with the allegations of his own Hatorade-sipping, Micka-Foos simply grunted, stared into space for a couple of seconds, then mercilessly beat this reporter with a tire iron.
M. Hoops down to three players for next game
"Layup lines are exhausting."
This from freshman guard Whatsishis Name, who was breathing heavily after the pre-game ritual before last weekend's losses to University of Phoenix Online and Strayer University, which involved just five players rotating through the two lines.
Better start hitting the treadmill, Whatishis.
With news of one more upperclassman cut by head coach Joe Scott '87 on Monday, plus another freshman reportedly quitting last night, the men's basketball roster has now dropped to a new low of just three players.
This has brought the ire of Director of Athletics Gary Walters '67, who said he had been only dimly aware of the high turnover rate under Scott until the matter was brought to his attention recently.
"This is unacceptable," Walters said. "Bobby Knight treats his players worse than a KA pledge and they stay on the team and win basketball games. Back in my day, Bill Bradley wasn't even the coach, but he had his way with every man on the squad. All it takes is a little bit of a kind touch, a sign that you still respect the players no matter how badly you violate him."
With senior forward Justin Conway allegedly due to lose his superpowers next week when his deal with Satan expires, it seems the Tigers will need even more reinforcements.
Scott was recently seen on the sidelines of Dillon Gym with a hat pulled low over his face, allegedly scouting pickup games for "his kind of players."
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