Bears are straight outta the Midwest

For many reasons, it's not easy being from the Midwest – eastern Iowa in my case. There are very few major cities, and our "culture" largely seems to be defined by our total lack of, well, culture.

Of course people generally seem to enjoy Midwesterners, as we do have our strengths. We're polite and rarely late, we move at a relaxing pace and our slow, accent-less manner of speaking is flat-out sexy.

Yet despite these perks, no one really envies us. In fact, in my entire life, I've never once heard the comment "I wish I were from Iowa."

Perhaps a big part of this is the fact that we don't have much to cheer for in terms of athletics. It can get depressing being a sports fan in the breadbasket.

To begin with, there aren't that many teams in the area to cheer for in the first place, and beyond that, the teams that do exist are lucky to achieve mediocrity at best.

Thanks to the Bears (6-0) and a few other hopefuls, however, many Midwesterners, for the first time in a while, are experiencing what it's like to cheer for a team.

Just so we're on the same page, the Midwest is not, as many coastal people seem to think, simply the flat area between the Appalachian and the Rocky mountains. It's actually much less, because states like Pennsylvania, Ohio, Colorado and Texas certainly don't count.

The major Midwestern city is, of course, Chicago. St. Louis is close, but that's in Missouri — which is like an inbred neighbor that no one really wants to associate with — so I prefer to leave it out.

Detroit is out as well, as its location is too far north and its citizens seem way too apathetic about farming. Plus it scares me a little.

Milwaukee is in, of course. True, it's a pretty depressing city, but I'm convinced that if the Midwest were to have a party, Milwaukee would buy the keg. So they're in.

In addition to those, throw in the states of Iowa, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma and South Dakota, and you should have a pretty accurate picture of what makes up the Midwest.

When you begin to list the various teams associated with this area, it becomes obvious why it's so much more fun be an East or West Coast sports fan.

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The Kansas City Royals are so bad they couldn't make it to the College World Series, while the Brewers haven't done anything notable outside of setting team and individual — I didn't forget about you, Jose Hernandez — strikeout records.

Meanwhile, the Bulls are still waiting for Tyson Chandler to "develop fundamentally" — otherwise known as making a lay up — and the Pacers seem to have a bit of a discipline problem on their hands.

The Vikings are prolific underachievers, the Nebraska Cornhuskers' prominence left with Thom Osborne and the Cubs have been trying to trademark the phrase "loveable losers" since late 1906.

Granted, the White Sox won the World Series last year – but no one outside of Southside Chicago cheers for the White Sox. They could hardly even sell out their World Series games last year.

But just when it couldn't get much worse for me and my Midwestern brethren, an unlikely and nearly forgotten set of heroes has once again returned to its former glory. The Chicago Bears are back.

The Bears have apparently been in hibernation for the last decade or so – they haven't won a playoff game since 1995. Their last Super Bowl victory took place under the tutelage of the grandmaster Mike Ditka in 1986, with super-stud Jim McMahon running the offense.

Ditka left long ago, however, and is now working for ESPN. As for McMahon, no one knows for sure, but it's widely assumed that he's selling used cars somewhere.

The new Bears team, though, is drawing comparisons to the '86 squad, especially the defense. In their six victories, Chicago has given up more than seven points just twice.

Rex Grossman hasn't been great at quarterback, but he's been good enough to get the job done. Even if he falters, however, the Bears still have to like their chances, as a very competent Brian Griese is waiting in the wings.

As a result of the hot start, many Midwest fans' hopes are high and more than a few are predicting Chicago's first trip to the Super Bowl in over 20 years. Of course, even if the Bears let us Midwesterners down, we'll be ready for it. We'll simply end this season the way we end every other season, by wisely reminding anyone who'll listen that "there's always next year."