A collection of mediocre events

Every Olympic Games, both of the summer and winter flavor, grab our minds and hearts. The great western athletic tradition going back to ancient Greece, the reigniting and continuation of national rivalries, the best of the best competing for the ultimate medal, and mettle – the Olympics has it all.

The 2006 Winter Olympics in Torino ended Sunday. I have not shed a tear and there was no mourning process, as there is at the end of each football season. For these Olympics, these supposed displays of human ability, will and spirit were profoundly disappointing. My attention has never been so captivated, captured — nay, enslaved — by such a mediocre collection of events.

The hero making and hero worship was unbearable. Even average American competitors got the works. Courtesy of NBC, we, the powerless viewers, might have learned from Bob Costas that female skier so-and-so worked really, really hard to get to this point, and that she had skied since she was little and was taught by her taskmaster of a father who only had her best intentions in mind. We may also have learned that she overcame a childhood stutter or a knee-twisting crash only days before the Olympics. And then, after all the buildup, this female skier gives it her best and finishes 13th, behind a whole squad of Fins and Swedes and Russians who, in all likelihood, skied out of their mothers' wombs and eat snow three times a day.

At least skiing is a sport and is watchable in itself. The majority of the events at the winter games cannot even be classified as sports and many require little of the type of athleticism revered by the ancient Greeks. If there's ice dancing, why not have ballet at the summer Olympics? Curling is just bowling on ice, minus the nachos and cheese. Skeleton requires more insanity than physical ability on the part of its participants and should be a contest on another NBC program: Fear Factor. The ancient Greeks are rolling over in their graves — "At least make the athletes compete naked, as they did in my day," Socrates might say. I say, give me competitive snowball fighting and ice fishing.

Because truthfully, the complaint is against the winter Olympics. The summer Olympics are truly the world's competition, testing such basic athletic pursuits as running, jumping, and throwing. Anyone can go for a run or find a heavy rock to launch.

On the other hand, the Winter Olympics are analogous to an athletic competition among the Forbes 500 or the membership of southern American country clubs 40 years ago. For the Winter Olympics are essentially a classist and racist event. A great portion of the world's people do not have access to a luge track or ice skates, let alone snow and ice in the first place. How many young people can devote their lives to figure skating?

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not criticizing the athletes for merely taking part, nor am I saying that anyone involved is classist or racist. The events themselves are the restrictors, which is a problem when the Olympics are supposed to represent the entire world. For the first time, only days ago, did a black athlete — Shani Davis of the U.S. — win an individual gold medal.

A select few nations dominate. The top five in number of medals were Germany, us, Austria, Russia and Canada. "Cool Runnings" was a lot of fun, but the Jamaican bobsled team has never come close to medaling and the great John Candy is dead. The Disney facade is gone with him, and the Winter Olympics are cold and meaningless.

The allure of the Olympics is nevertheless impossible to escape and the Torino games were no different. The world, myself included, watched as Bode blew it, Apolo overcame, Sasha fell and Tanith was hot.

Bode's failure exemplified the overall showing of the United States. But I think I can take his losing a ways further. Bode's attitude, post-losing five events, is a prism through which to view the Olympics: he had fun, but he doesn't care too much about not winning medals. He had a good time, partied hard, and isn't that what life is all about, dude? Why not just enjoy what you can while you can? Isn't that the gist of Bode 3:16 — "Yeah, I ski drunk, what of it?"