If you don't go to the game, I'm never talking to you again

While a lead headline of "Princeton Pyromania" might be either a cause for alarm or an allusion to the gutted ruins of Ivy Club in "The Rule of Four," this weekend it could have more positive connotations as the rallying cry of the football team and faithful Tiger fans.

A victory over Yale this weekend would green-light one of the more venerable Princeton traditions — a bonfire on Cannon Green, signifying the Tigers' Big Three football supremacy. Princeton's last attempt to accelerate global warming was in 1994, and this long lapse between bonfires has spawned ignorance on the part of many students about the tradition and their responsibilities associated with such a celebration.

Initially celebrating a Tiger victory in a baseball game against Yale played at the end of the annual P-rade, the tradition was stopped when the alcoholic breath of Reunions alumni was deemed too incendiary. Rather than relegate bonfires to oblivion, the growing sport of football decided that a huge fire was the perfect way to warm the chilly November air. During the '50s and '60s, winning football teams and bonfires were regular staples of Princeton campus life.

This fall, though reclaiming the Ancient Eight title would be spectacular for many reasons, a bonfire is what we really want. Just think of all the reasons why a bonfire is worthwhile.

For President Tilghman, there is nothing like a big football win to fan the flames for annual giving. A bonfire would also partially singe the monkey perched on the back of Dean of Admission Janet Rapelye, leaded with student and alumni reservations about her intention to recruit athletes.

For Dean Fred, a bonfire would spark fond memories of years of supporting Orange and Black teams. And let's be honest, if his exemplary attendance record at myriad athletic games over the past 17 years is any indication, he'll be camped out on Cannon Green with marshmallows days in advance. It would also vindicate the optimistic pre-season prognostications made by Janet Dickerson and senior mascot Kinder Noble, that the 2005 team would earn its first bonfire in 11 years.

Football head coach Roger Hughes hasn't seen a bonfire since his days as offensive coordinator at Dartmouth, where they stage a bonfire on the Green each year to celebrate the annual fall homecoming weekend. There is no doubt that a bonfire here would mean infinitely more, forever silencing his doubters and likely cementing an Ivy League Coach of the Year award. Let's show a "players' coach" that we can be a "players' student body" as well.

For co-captains Ben Brielmaier and Justin Stull and the 22 other seniors on the team, a win on Senior Day would ignite the funeral pyre of football frustrations and justify all of their hard work.

For the rest of the student body: attendance at a bonfire will validate your enrollment at this University even more than filling out that online registration sent out at the beginning of the year. And just think about all the different things you can toss into the fire ...

Beyond inhibitions and personal demons, what a great chance to incinerate your roommates' sheets that have yet to be washed. Char to a crisp those rough drafts of your Junior Papers and the research notecards you spent precious hours writing during the summer, only to have your thesis advisor tell you that your topic was pedantic and unworthy of further examination.

Destroy the not-so-perfectly pressed suit you wore for the entire month of October as you ran from one unsuccessful i-banking or consulting interview to the next. Toss in those B+ grade-deflated papers, overpriced textbooks and t-shirts you bought on college visits before you realized that Ivies beginning with "Y" and "H" were just pretenders to the throne.

Freshmen, tradition holds that the responsibility for collecting the combustible materials necessary to construct the bonfire resides with your class. Remember that the bonfire must be topped by an outhouse and effigies of John Harvard and a bulldog.

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After being subjected to disparaging looks as you try to hide your reliance on the campus map, and facing the shame you feel every time you see that another anti-freshmen facebook.com group has popped up, you finally have a chance to make your mark on this campus. Remove your noses from your dogeared bio books and start researching exactly what you have to do to keep the bonfire tradition alive.

Of course, in order for all of these individuals to benefit and for these amazing things to happen, the team has to win. And for the Tigers to win, they must be able to look up into the cavernous space that is Princeton Stadium and pick out their classmates', professors' and families' faces in a sea of Orange and Black. No one will be able to enjoy the catharsis that is the bonfire unless we first provide true "home-field advantage," attend the Yale game en masse and cheer for the Tiger team and the 2005 bonfire.

Who's with me for storming the field if we win?