Give me Beast or give me death!

In 1984, President Ronald Reagan signed into law the National Minimum Drinking Age Act, requiring all states to raise their drinking age from 18 to 21. One year earlier, Reagan proposed the "Strategic Defense Initiative," which would have made our primary defense against incoming nuclear missiles a super-high-tech giant space laser. Clearly, the man was crazy.

But while the American government has abandoned the TRON-style defense system (in favor of bombing the bejeezus out of anyone who looks at us funny), our drinking age remains at 21, a fact which has gotten Ivy and the T.I. in some amount of trouble over these past few weeks. That, in turn, led to a series of articles in this newspaper concerning how the eating clubs could better enforce the laws, whether by adding extra bouncers, having more officers on duty or supplying wristbands for the under-aged. These would all be fine strategies ... if we went to the U.S. Naval Academy. The reality is, however, that we go to school in Hippietown, U.S.A., a school that's a bona fide member of the Liberal League.

We shouldn't be trying to figure out how we can best follow the rules, but rather, how we can most disruptively break them. The question is not, "What would the average, law-abiding citizen do?" No, the real question is, "What would Al Sharpton do?"

Prospect Avenue should declare independence from America. For too long, our eating clubs have been subject to the oppressive, almost socialist drinking age laws of the U.S. government and Borough police; secession is the most logical, surefire way to ensure the freedom that the Street deserves. For, if history has taught us anything, it's that seceding from the United States generally works out fine for everyone.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I don't have a history or Woody Woo Ph.D. to back this hypothesis of mine up; all I have is the education I got from the Georgia public schools. And though the Georgia school system may be ranked 49th in the nation (in your face, Alabama!), I still have confidence that the only way to truly solve this eating club problem is complete Prospect Avenue independence.

(On a side note, those nationwide school rankings are completely biased against schools in the South. The list only takes into account subjects that kids in Northeastern schools are good at, like math, reading, and science, while completely ignoring areas of Southern dominance, like getting drunk at football games and coon huntin'.)

But back to our destiny. Imagine the (ahem) prospects of a sovereign Street. We wouldn't have to deal with the pesky Borough police anymore. Not only could we form a new law enforcement system, we could also form new laws. Terrace Club could legalize marijuana, T.I. could legalize hazing, Charter could legalize ... um, whatever it is that happens at Charter ... physics problem sets? I don't really know.

The point is, they would be legal!

But it doesn't end there. Our president would be Leslie-Bernard Joseph, so we would no longer have to complain about how bad a job George W. Bush is doing; we could focus our bellyaching on the real problem: the anti-grade inflation policy. And security would be tighter, too; if you think getting a pass to Ivy Club is hard, try getting your visa approved to enter the Republic of Ivy. Yes, our border officials will be tough; if you don't have your P.U.I.D., you will be rejected faster than a Princeton senior with a 3.5 GPA applying to Harvard Law School. You see, it's working already!

So start the rally cry, Princetonians: give me Beast, or give me death!* Let's start the dissent today! Do something completely un-American: read some poetry; eat a meal of reasonably-sized portions; be apathetic toward the National Football League. And then, when the time is right, in a massive bonfire of glory (because I want a bonfire, dammit), we will declare our independence and live happily ever after, with our cups of Beast held high and our imminent graduate school rejection letters, which cite a lackluster GPA as compared with a student from Harvard as the main cause of rejection, the farthest things from our minds, as we bask in the glow of a well-earned bonfire.

*Note: I am not willing to die for this cause. Jason Gilbert is a freshman from Marietta, Ga. He can be reached at jogilber@princeton.edu.