To the incoming Class of 2009

A warm welcome to Princeton! You have much to learn about these hallowed grounds you now inhabit. So let me help show you the ropes.

First, your Outdoor Action leader will most likely try to date you. When wholesome Nature Boy becomes a Prowling Tiger, don't say I didn't warn you. That is, after all, why he became an OA leader in the first place. You didn't really think it was because of all that "Leave no trace" nonsense, did you?

Oh, sweet, naïve freshman! We'll make you savvy yet.

On Prospect Avenue, you will meet the same people again and again and wish to believe they are your friends. But why, you will ask yourself, do they reintroduce themselves each night as though they're meeting you for the first time? Don't be insulted. They don't mean to be rude — they're simply never sober.

In the weeks ahead, you may find yourself feeling intimidated by how impressive your peers are — including some you might not even expect. You know that promiscuous blonde down the hall? Yeah, well, she spends her weekends volunteering in Trenton and in a couple of years she'll be the one graduating Phi Beta Kappa.

In the coming days, it's also probable that you will be called a "tool." You may even be dubbed a "massive tool," or, for the truly elect, a "power tool." You might wonder what exactly it means to be given that title.

To be a tool at Princeton most often means that you're a participant in student government, are an uber-preppy dresser and are going to make a ton of money after college. All of which suggests you're doing alright for yourself. So the next time someone points out your toolishness, no need to lose your temper. Instead, just smile, say thank you and go change into an even brighter pastel polo shirt. (I hear lime green is making a comeback.)

In the classroom, some of your professors will assign loads of work and then give you bad grades. But don't let this scare you or stress you out. Having come to Princeton in the era of grade deflation, you might have to adjust to getting an occasional B. But hey, when you do become distraught by your plummeting GPA, at least you can join the Facebook group "Jesus Loves all Quintiles." (Last I checked, 200 members and counting.)

In precepts, expect juniors and seniors to say things like, "I feel the author strayed too far from Marx's model of dialectical materialism and took on an excessively Weberian pose." They have no clue what they're talking about. In fact, they haven't even done this week's reading and they wouldn't know Marx or Weber if they came up and bit them.

But BS-ing upperclassmen remind us of an important lesson: From this point forward, there's no book you haven't read and no topic on which you cannot speak. You go to Princeton, darn it, so start sharing your intellectual contributions with the world — even when there's not a whole lot to share.

As you embark on your college years, keep in mind that even when the road gets bumpy, the future is bright. Just don't walk out of FitzRandolph Gates, don't skip class and, most of all, don't be afraid to make mistakes.

Because there's one other thing I forgot to mention about the over-friendly OA leaders, the overeager tool bags, the beer-guzzling party animals, the unchaste-but-intelligent blonde girls and the pitiless professors: We all know how to take care of each other, and we promise to take care of you, too. P.G. Sittenfeld is a junior from Cincinnati, Ohio. He can be reached at pg@princeton.edu.