The Big Hargadon

Welcome Freshmen wasn't just an outstanding show on Nickelodeon from 1991 to 1993; it was also something that former Dean of Admission Fred Hargadon used to do. It pains me now to think that half of the student body has never received one of his famous congratulatory letters that all began with a single word: "YES!" Mine made me scream louder than Howard Dean.

Hargadon used to give a speech during freshman week to the incoming class. Fortunately for me, Dean Fred was batting early in the lineup. The speaker who lost me, as best I remember, was talking about some book called "The Feminine Mistake." Like a boyfriend holding a purse, I felt out of place and anxious to leave. But when Fred was on the stage, I was riveted, because he spent the majority of his time telling us just how awesome we all were for winning his approval. Nothing made me more excited about being at Princeton than Hargadon's words (except perhaps my first taste of gin).

With Dean Fred appearances now about as frequent as Toni Morrison sightings, I took it upon myself to hunt down and interview our former Dean of Admission. I hoped I might be able to capture the Essence of Fred and pass it on to the Class of 2009 (after all, I do have a Ph.D. in Gonzo Journalism, plus a certificate in finance). So this week I sat down with the man himself.*

Me: Fred, it's a real pleasure to meet you. Naturally I hope you're enjoying your retirement, though I hear you've been doing some work with George Steinbrenner.

Fred: Indeed. I've loved my work for the YES Network, though it seems the Yankees could use my recruiting talents.

Me: Is it true that you remember details about every student you've admitted? Do you think you've made any mistakes?

Fred: Well, you, for one. I seem to recall you doing a lot better in high school than you're doing here. You do know that the hard part about Princeton is supposed to be getting in, right? Frankly, I knew we screwed up when Stephen LeMenager told me you didn't get into Yale. But for what it's worth, I think your insurgency is holding up well in this War on Fun that President Tilghman has waged.

Me: Are you aware that your successor, Janet Rapelye, has stripped references to the eating clubs from her recruiting materials and chosen instead to focus on the residential colleges?

Fred: Powell, it's all part of a doctrine called the "Wythes Plan," a name they settled on only because "Schlieffen Plan" was already taken. Over the next few years Princeton will be adding 500 students and building four-year colleges. Their surveys indicated that green-haired radicals and children of migrant workers pictured Princeton as a place where the obscenely rich and good-looking sail and play golf and swill cocktails in their eating clubs while preparing for their careers at McBain or CitiBankCorpGroup. So Shirley and Janet are going to try to turn Princeton into Brown.

Me: That's not true! I'm not obscenely rich!

Fred: When I was Dean of Admission, we certainly took some fascinating applicants, but what we were looking for more than a well-rounded student body was well-rounded students. And we took some really attractive students, too. That was my favorite part. Like you, Powell, I'm quite the ladies' man.

Me: I recall that you were given a lifetime pass to all Princeton arts and athletic events. That sounds almost as cool as having an ICC sticker.

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Fred: I've been to a lot of sporting events. Women's soccer, women's tennis, women's lacrosse, women's fencing ... .

Me: Me too, Fred, me too. Speaking of which, does "no" ever mean "YES!"?

Fred: No.

Me: Do you have any advice for the freshman class?

Fred: Skip most of the Freshman Week assemblies. They're boring, they're not mandatory, and I'm not speaking anymore. But if I were speaking, I'd tell them to have a great time at Princeton, relish the fact that they're brilliant, and acquire a taste for expensive whisky.

Me: Any advice for me?

Fred: That Freshman 15 comes on quickly. Get 'em while they're skinny. *Powell Fraser has never actually met Fred Hargadon. He is a politics major from Atlanta, Ga. He can be reached at pfraser@princeton.edu.