Attention politics professors: I'm single

I've spent the better part of the last month working up the nerve to ask someone out. So who's the object of my affection?

Get your mind out of the gutter — I'm talking about finding a senior thesis adviser.

Look, I know I'm not the only one who has made the connection: Securing an adviser for your thesis is a lot like finding a Houseparties date. You use the same skills; you take the same risks. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that asking a professor to be your adviser is far, far worse.

The critical difference is simple, really. By the second night of Houseparties, if things aren't going well with your date, running away and getting belligerently drunk is considered perfectly acceptable. Locking yourself in your Firestone carrel with a handle of vodka, on the other hand, is generally frowned upon.

Still, potential for alcoholic escape route aside, there are a lot of similarities. For starters, there's the classic conundrum of how well you should know your potential adviser. It's one thing, of course, if you've spent years getting to know the person and feel confident that sparks (of the academic variety) are certain to fly.

But what if you want to take a risk and meet someone new? "Hey, I'm that guy from your history precept who never talked much," you might say, "but I'd like to get to know you better." Or, if you're truly ballsy, you could even ask someone based on their Faculty Facebook profile alone (don't worry, there are pictures, check out the website).

Either way, you have to impress them right from the start — a solid pickup line is essential. "Come here often?" will almost certainly draw nothing but a strange look — especially if you say it while in their office. No, you have to show that you have common interests, that you care about what they do. "You know," you might begin, "I was fascinated by your comments on the Bulgarian Exculpation of 1822."

If you don't impress them, we all know what happens: rejection. Now, thanks to what we'll term "adolescent social awkwardness," I learned to deal with the big N-O at an early age. Still, nothing prepared me for last spring, when I struck out on my first FOUR attempts at finding a JP adviser. Trust me, it's a blow to the ego.

The worst is when they can't even come up with a good excuse. Saying, "I'm too busy with other commitments this semester," is about as believable as the old line about a last-second family vacation to Botswana the weekend of Houseparties. What, you've never gotten that one?

Even once your adviser says "yes," you're not out of the woods. The commitment these people expect is, to be blunt, simply unreasonable. They're not just demanding — they're suffocating. "Get me a draft by next Wednesday," they'll bark at you, "and why do you always drink beer with your friends instead of visiting me at office hours?" Talk about high-maintenance.

This doesn't go on for three days or three weeks, mind you, but for your entire senior year. I've never had a relationship last longer than three months — how am I supposed to sustain one for eight? And, unfortunately, breaking up simply is not an option, at least not if you want a diploma.

Honestly, there's something to be said for going stag to your senior thesis. I checked, though, and it's apparently not an option.

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So, I'm running out of ideas, not to mention time. I'm 0-for-1 so far, and I'm not sure I can stomach another "No." Luckily, I've figured out the solution — take out a personal. Thanks to this column, I don't even have to pay. Anyway, here goes nothing ...

Attention, eligible Politics department professors: I'm a single white male, nonsmoker, interested in taking long walks on the towpath and writing about encroachments the freedom of the press.

If you're interested, give me a call at 8-8114. I know my special someone is out there, somewhere, reading this right now.

I'll be waiting by the phone. David Baumgarten is a politics major from Richmond, Va. He can be reached at dbaumgar@princeton.edu.