Academic year, we hardly knew ye

VH1 would call it "The Best Academic Year Ever," or perhaps "I Love 2004/05." Nassau Hall's admissions pamphlets probably refer to it as "Princeton's glorious year of liberty, diversity and no fraternities." (They'd be lying, of course). And those of you who have followed my exploits during this academic year know it as "a year that will live in infamy," marking the beginning of open hostilities in the War on Fun. The Registrar simply calls it Fall 2004/Spring 2005.

This has been a year of ups and downs, reds and blues, strikes and gutters, ins and outs and a lot of "what-have-you's," as the Dude would say. And I'm here to help you make sense of it all. As the self-appointed guardian of lux et veritas on this campus, it is my pleasure to bring you the Best and Worst of the Academic Year.

The first award is the "Best Malkiel Award." This goes to the member of the Malkiel family who offered the greatest positive contribution to the student body during Academic Year 2004-05. I am proud to give this award to Economics professor Burton Malkiel, who, regrettably, was on sabbatical all year. Burt, although I have never met you, I know that you are by far the coolest Malkiel. My GPA seems to have taken a nonrandom walk since your wife started deflating it, but that just makes you a slam-dunk.

The next award is the "Best USG President Award." This award goes to the student body leader who approached concrete problems with rational solutions while taking a nonpartisan, moderate approach to campus politics. After deliberating extensively with my roommates, I decided to give this award to Matt Margolin '05.

The award for "Best Ivy League President" goes to Lawrence Summers this year. Frankly, he's the only one I've read about in the news, and he kind of makes me want to go to Harvard ... right. Check back with me before I apply to business school there and let me know if their Fun Czar has made any progress.

Now that we're done with presidents, we can move on to Public Safety. The "Best Job Done by Public Safety" goes to the officers who, in an almost Prussian blitzkrieg, intercepted a friend of mine after he opened a can of beer but before he could press it to his lips. I have to hand it to those guys: that's damn impressive. My friend was then transported to Syria and renditioned. Interrogators were unable to find out how he obtained the frosty beverage.

"The Worst Job Done by Public Safety" must be awarded for whatever they were doing while my room was being robbed this winter. Campus security is being jeopardized because resources are tied up in this War on Fun, and our vulnerability was evident when I returned from Christmas Break to find $2,200 worth of clothing stolen. If only someone had filed a noise complaint.

The award for "Worst Academic Work" goes to Team John Galt, an enterprising group of Finance Certificate students I formed to tackle ECO 363 problem sets. Our example of a "financial asset" was a treasury bill, but our example of a "real asset" was "any one of several hookers who we pimp on Witherspoon Street. And remember, you can't spell 'asset' without 'ass.' " Needless to say, we learned our lesson after seeing our first problem set grade.

At the same time, however, the award for "Beirut Champions of the Quadrangle Club" goes to two members of the same Team John Galt: Phil O'Brien '06 and myself. We applied portfolio theory to create the ideal tournament pair: a diligent formation-shooter and a drunk closer (correlation = -1). As General Maximus said, "What we do in life echoes in eternity," and we will now have our names engraved on a plaque in the club. I ought to retire right now.

Finally, the award for "Worst Exam Date" goes to Jason Lyall and his course in National Security. Today, Friday the 13th, I will be completing his take-home exam instead of celebrating my 21st birthday. Thanks a lot, buddy. This is the way the year ends, not with a bang but with a whimper. Powell Fraser is a politics major from Atlanta, Ga. He can be reached at pfraser@princeton.edu.