The lost script of the Larry Summers affair

It has been three months since Harvard President Larry Summers presented his remarks on sexual diversity and behavioral genetics, and the nation is still reeling from the resulting trauma. Instead of allaying ongoing distress, however, this week Summers obstinately defended his previous theories in another public forum, where his statements were met by hundreds chanting "Lorena Lives." A transcript from the event follows:

Emcee: Thank you for attending our Last Ditch Effort Convention on Diversity. Please join me in welcoming Harvard President Larry Summers.

(Sparse applause.)

Larry Summers: As you know, the faculty passed a vote of "no confidence" in my leadership, due to my recent comments on gender. Well, to vindicate myself, I found a study proving that there are indeed innate differences between men and women. Yes, that was italicized.

(Murmuring in the audience.)

Our studies have shown that even with the same education and work experience, men are, on average, five and a half inches taller than women.

(Gasps. Cries of "Sexist pig!", "Lies!," etc.)

Women, on average, are also 90 percent less likely to grow facial hair, 98 percent less likely to pee standing up, and 70 percent less likely to fantasize about Angelina Jolie.

(Shouts of "More lies!", "Does that include lesbians?" etc.)

Now I'm going to go ahead and say something quite provocative and theorize that biology is a possible cause of these phenomena.

(Humongous uproar from the audience.)

Now I'll take some friendly, unchallenging questions.

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Questioner #1: President Summers, I question the legitimacy of your supposed "findings" —

Summers: That was not an interrogative sentence. Next.

Questioner #1: Take your first statistic, for example, on height differences. Don't you think that the English system of inches and feet — just think about that symbolism for a second here — is inherently phallocentric?

Summers: Well, now that you mention it, no. Next question please.

Questioner #2: President Summers, I'm curious. How did you collect these statistics?

Summers: Great question. GREAT question. The most recent U.S. Census asked residents their gender and various other lifestyle questions, from which we gathered large amounts of invaluable data. For example — and this is one thing that I found very fascinating — men have a huge monopoly on total U.S. scrotum supply.

Questioner #2: Thank you.

Summers: You're welcome. Next question please.

Questioner #3: I am appalled that you would automatically assume that these statistical trends, which are in and of themselves somewhat disputed, are necessarily caused by biology.

Summers: Oh yeah?

Questioner #3: Couldn't there be social pressures facing women who might choose to grow traditionally "male" genitalia?

Summers: It could put a dent in your social life, yes. But then again, check the "Voice" personals. You never know. Next question.

Questioner #4: I'd like to return to your January statements on gender differences in science abilities. If men are inherently better at physics, then how come George Bush can't even pronounce "nuclear?" And if men are inherently better at understanding biology, why is Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist so highly concerned with the civil rights of "vegetables" but not, say, with those of "fruits?"

Summers: Look, there are exceptions to every rule. And besides, that was a terrible pun.

Questioner #4: So once again, if these abilities vary on an individual level, how can you be so sure —

Summers: Look, I'd prefer to believe otherwise, but let me tell you a little anecdote from my own life. For our twentieth anniversary, I gave my wife a lifetime supply of Playboy and Vaseline. And what happened? She divorced me. Do I think biology played a role in her actions? Without a doubt.

Questioner #5: You're a jackass.

Summers: Once again, not a question, but maybe you're right. Something about your similarly close-minded, ham-handed approach to the scientific method really speaks to me. Meeting adjourned. Catherine Rampell is a sophomore from Palm Beach, Fla. She can be reached at crampell@princeton.edu.