Admit it, Penn students: you wanted to go to Princeton. It's all right, I did too. In fact, I do.
You, of course, don't go to Princeton, which really is too bad — for you, at least. It's working out great for me.
Perhaps, after a few years of crying yourself to sleep every night, you've convinced yourself that it's okay, that the rejection letter you got was a blessing in disguise. "Always being No. 1 is no fun," you tell yourself.
Enough with the crazy talk — being No. 1 is a whole lot of fun.
I know it won't be easy to stop deluding yourself, though, so I'm here to help. Without further ado, I present the top 10 reasons why Princeton is better than Penn. I'm even writing it in list form to make it easier for you Wharton types who don't normally read to understand.
10. Crazy people
Yes, I know John Nash — of "Beautiful Mind" fame — is off his rocker. But despite the whole hearing voices thing, he still won a Nobel Prize.
Your crazy people, on the other hand, are not nearly as productive. The voices in their heads tell them to dump motor oil on sleeping Princeton students and try to light them on fire.
Note to the voices in your heads: motor oil is not flammable.
9. Great thinkers
You're very proud of Ben Franklin. And indeed, good ol' Ben did some neat stuff. Like that time he electrocuted himself and "discovered" electricity. Way to go, Ben.
But I prefer a Princeton man: Albert Einstein. In 1905, Einstein crafted the theory of relativity — without hurting himself. Yes, his hair just naturally looked like that. You only wish you could pull off that hairstyle.
8. Superman, yes; Jell-O, no
Jimmy Stewart, Dean Cain and Brooke Shields all went to Princeton.
You guys have Mr. Jell-O, Bill Cosby. Who went to Temple. Nice try.
7. Signature sandwich(es)
Philadelphia is the home of the cheesesteak. I enjoy cheesesteaks from time to time, and I thank you for them. But really, shouldn't a city of several million people be able to invent more than ONE sandwich? A little variety wouldn't kill you — although a cheesesteak-induced heart attack probably will.
That's why I prefer Hoagie Haven, Jon Stewart's favorite restaurant. Not only does Hoagie Haven make a darn good cheesesteak, but it also offers about another 58 really yummy choices. I highly recommend the chicken parmesan. It will make you feel better after you lose.
6. Mascot
Ooh, an elderly pacifist with a three-cornered hat — that's scary. No wonder you guys feel the need to dump motor oil on us. Did someone say Napoleon Complex?
5. Literary prowess
Notwithstanding the superiority of the "Prince" to that rag you guys read, Princeton's literary tradition is unparalleled — Booth Tarkington, F. Scott Fitzgerald, John McPhee, Toni Morrison and many more.
Meanwhile, you guys authored the most breathtakingly creative slogan in the history of the universe: "Puck Frinceton."
Your brilliance truly amazes me.
4. Fran
Isn't that a girl's name? Just asking.
3. Automatic weapons
At Penn, there are security guards armed with semiautomatic rifles in the entryway of every dorm.
At Princeton, our Public Safety officers are armed only with good cheer.
2. Fans
Philadelphia fans have booed Santa Claus and cheered a player temporarily paralyzed by a spinal cord injury.
Yet it is Penn students who are responsible for the most boorish behavior by Philadelphia sports fans: yelling "Princeton sucks" during the national anthem.
This year, when you come to Jadwin, show some class.
1. Basketball
Finally, I reach the topic that matters most. Now, I know we've been struggling a bit the last few weeks. I ask you to think back to last year when it was the Quakers who started the season badly. What happened? You came into our house and beat us.
We'll return the favor tonight, starting your fade back to the pack. And we'll beat you again in March, completing our climb back to our rightful spot at the top of the standings.
Final score tonight: Princeton 55, Penn 48.
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